bzzzt

"So I bought this giant vibrator."

"A vibrator? I thought you had one."

"No. But I decided I needed one."

"Well, of course."

"But see, I was killing time in Good Vibrations, and I see one called The Silver Bullet. And I had to buy something called The Silver Bullet, you know?"

"Because what if he turns into a werewolf halfway through?"

"Well, right. A girl’s gotta be prepared. So I bought it, and a double-A battery, and I spent the rest of the day thinking about how I have a Silver Bullet in my bag. I wanted to fire it up at Zeitgeist."

"Oddly enough, that would probably have gone over great."

"I should’ve thought of that! But I waited until when I got home, and popped the battery in, and turned it on–I scared the shit out of the cat. And the neighbors, probably."

"What do you mean?"

"It goes ‘BZZZZZZZZZZZT!’ Just like that. ‘BZZZZZZZZZZT!’ It sounds like a fucking chainsaw. How am I supposed to get off on a chainsaw?"

"You really don’t want to be getting off on a chainsaw."

"I know! And man, I keep picturing, you know, getting in bed with a man, and saying saying ‘Hey, hot stuff, want to try something?’ and firing it up in the dark. ‘BZZZZZZZZZZT!’ ‘What the fuck is that?’ ‘Just lie still, baby!’"

"Yeah, the really loud ones ruin the mood. Maybe you could throw a porn on in the background?"

"Oh, that’ll work. ‘WOW! TWO CHICKS KISSING! THIS IS REALLY HOT!’ ‘BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!’ ‘WHAT?’ ‘HOT!’ ‘WHAT?" ‘HOT! I SAID HOT!’ ‘BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT’"

"’I’M AT THE POINT OF ORGASM!’ ‘WHERE?’ ‘THE ORGASM!!!’"

"’GREAT MOVIE!’ ‘YOU WANT TO MOVE ME?’ ‘I SAID MOVIE!’ ‘LUBE ME?’ ‘WHAT?’ ‘BZZZZZZZZZZZZZTTT’"

"’HARDER!’ ‘YOUR MOTHER?’ ‘WHAT?’ ‘YEAH, HOT!’ ‘WHAT?’ ‘HOT!’ ‘OKAY!’ ‘BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!’ ‘OW!’ ‘WHAT?’"

"’BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!’"

"Yeah. Really not sexy."

"Thank god they have a 30-day return policy."

"WHAT?"

"HOT!"

"That was sexy."

  9 comments for “bzzzt

  1. August 23, 2007 at 8:02 pm

    #1 – that was hilarious and I am snorting with laughter. “What? BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!!” Plus, Silver Bullet? Isn’t that Coors?
    #2 – Umm, a return policy? On a vibrator? Doesn’t that make you wonder what they do with the returned ones? Because, what if they were used, even gently used, and then returned?
    #3 – That’s all I’ve got.

  2. August 23, 2007 at 9:40 pm

    I had the exact same reaction when I first encountered the egg (silver bullet to you). There’s nothing sexy about a buzz saw. And I found the construction of the thing all a little suspicious too.

  3. August 23, 2007 at 9:51 pm

    gently used???!!!!! hahahahahahahahahahahaha!

  4. August 24, 2007 at 12:19 am

    What’s funny is reading the reviews in Amazon on vibrators. They do rank them by noise, etc. etc.

    I’m assuming that the company throws the returned vibrators away for health reason.

    And, be glad you’re not in Alabama. I believe it’s against the law to even purchase a BZZZZZZZZZy thing like that.

  5. Rosalie
    August 24, 2007 at 2:44 am

    hahahahaha. long time listener, etc, etc. as a woman who’s in the know about vibrators, i have heard that the way to test these things out in the store is to put them on your nose. and if it feels like it’s going to take your nose off, just imagine what it might do to your lady parts! call the store and see if you can get an exchange, because i can tell you (i’m sure you’ve heard) that a great vibrator can change your whole world view. go for the japanese model, amiga (the rabbit and similar styles). you won’t regret it.

  6. Jen
    August 24, 2007 at 3:33 am

    OMG… I had to stop reading… then start again… and again… I was laughing so hard…I kept losing my place! What’s even more disturbing… I have one that has a light in the end of it… like you need a beacon to find where it goes… geesh! WTF?!

  7. August 24, 2007 at 12:10 pm

    Jen, with the right person, you can recreate scenes from Airplane! He can be Pilot Otto coming in for a landing. :-)

    (Or you could take it camping with you and make it multi-task.)

    :-)

  8. anon
    August 24, 2007 at 4:14 pm

    I am giggling like a schoolgirl who just got a peek at the neighbor boy’s peepee.
    We love you, Anne!

  9. October 5, 2007 at 5:22 am

    yo got to get me one of those sound or no sound…if it buzzes like that hmmmmm

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