go time

It takes a great deal of preparation and careful planning to go to the gym. You can’t just jump into it all willy-nilly and expect things to turn out okay. What if you forget something? Or your timing is off? Or you’re not fully organized? Things will go horribly wrong and you’ll end up breaking every bone in your body and then where will that get you? Nowhere, and fast. Especially nowhere near the gym.

So I like to think of these weeks (cough, month, cough) that I haven’t been at the gym as time well-spent, gearing up, getting ready to go, arming myself against all eventualities in a mental and spiritual way, paving the path for the physical eventualities that occur in situations of extreme cardiovascular efforts, because can the body work if the mind and spirit is not on board? No it certainly can not. I really ought to be some kind of fancy guru on a silken pillow.

And now, it is go time! My membership number came through to me, from human resources, and I have for myself a place at the Fancygym, which is filled with fanciness and a pool and very nice showers and lots of equipment and hopefully a lack of undergraduates in tiny little shorts, though I am sure that deficit will be made up for in hot, highlighted, breast-implanted marketing executives in tiny little tank tops.

But don’t let that fool you into thinking that I am not fully prepared to go the distance and dive back into the wonderful world of daily exercise for fun and fitness! I am ready to go! I bought myself a gym bag which is very attractive and well-balanced, with many cunningly placed pockets in which to keep all the essentials. I made a list of essentials I will need. It is not a very long list. It goes: gym stuff. I am hoping elaboration will occur at some point, either inside or outside my head. In my mind, I have pinpointed all of the places where my gym clothes have scattered to–my sneakers are in the closet, and hopefully have not been peed on by the cat. The pants are still in the hamper (why do I need to wash them if I am not wearing them? That is Environmentally Conscious of me), the T-shirt in the dresser drawer with all my miscellaneous items (leg warmers, swimsuits, scarves) and the sports bra is in my desk drawer. Please do not concern yourself with the reasons.

will assemble these items shortly, into my fancy new bag, and I will be
packed and ready to go to the gym, the location of which I have already
picked out, after hours of careful study of the Fancygym website. You
see, it has about 1,300 locations within two square miles, so making a
selection was a difficult and time-consuming chore. I had to examine
each of the locations’ facility photographs very carefully, make a note
of potential group exercise classes which occurred at times at which I
might possibly be somewhere near the studio, make a note of the
geographic position and altitude of each location (I hate hills) and
calculate the likelihood of a high percentage of coworkers appearing,
poof, like a horrible dream, in the middle of my heart attack on the
treadmill. It was a very math-intensive several weeks, there, so you
can see why it is so good I have taken this time.

selecting my preliminary Home Base, further time was needed in order to
carefully craft a schedule of activities with which I would achieve
Maximum Fitness. But first I had to backtrack, in order to define for
myself exactly what constituted Fitness at the most Maximum of levels.
Would I require the services of a personal trainer? Did I need to
create a list of Goals and Objectives? Was there a time limit, and if
so, what would that deadline be? These were all very important
questions to be asked, and care and time was taken in making sure they
were answered appropriately.

the schedule. It went through several iterations, some of them
crazypants (go to the gym at lunch time just to catch a Cardio Kick
class? You are out of your mind, and additionally, out of your mind.
Because you know as well as I do that you are not going to any
Cardio Kick class, honey, okay? Okay.). Then, I came to conclusions. I
sat back and admired my realistic schedule. Promptly I lost my mind,
wrote in a little "Saturday" and "Sunday" and scheduled myself for
weekend exercising. And then, I totally took myself seriously,
apparently, because I pulled off a fresh Post-It, and wrote out the
schedule very neatly and with all seriousness, then posted it on my
computer monitor. Where I have been admiring it all week.

am ready! Mentally prepared, schedule in hand, realistic expectations
awoken and guilt dialed way down in case I do not achieve my schedule
in its entirety. Where is the guilt, however, for not yet having my gym
bag packed and waiting at the door for me? Why didn’t I set my alarm
for 7:00 tomorrow, instead of 9:30?

I need more time! Maybe I’m going to go ahead and pack that gym bag,
because good morning, sunshine: the statute of willy-nilly has
officially run out.

A reminder! I want your pictures, please. I am figuring out the details now. E-mail me at anneotate@gmail.com if you’d like to participate–and I hope you will.

6 Replies to “go time”

  1. Oh, the gym. Yes, it takes lots of careful planning, and even then, things can go awry at the last second. Last night I went to my new FancyGym, and, oh, the horror…it was really crowded. I’ve learned to use exactly one type of machine, and there were none free, which left me cowering in the corner and unable to decide what to do next. I mastered the fear, though, and decided to try and use the least-intimidating thing I could find, which was a treadmill. Phew. Crisis averted, and soon enough, one of my much loved ellipticals opened up.
    Sigh. It’s stressful, all this fitness. I like the buying and arranging and planning, but not so much the actual doing.
    Anyway, yay you for getting yourself ready to get out there and get moving! The doing doesn’t feel so great sometimes, but the having done is a nice place to be.

  2. Hi Anne,
    I swore I would never comment on your blog again, because every time I write a comment I seize up in remorse later at my stupidity and hubris and who-do-I-think-I-am-ness??? feeling at writing on that-woman-I-dont’-even-know-who’s-from-California’s-blog??? I met some California Librarians and they let me know what’s what about the Midwest, let me tell you…
    Anyway. Here’s a totally dorky tip for you: don’t exercise with your coworkers at the fancy gym from Hell! Try Jazzercise!!! Yes, it still exists–but they never advertise…too cheap. It’s cheap to join. Check out the website. Your schedule of Run, Pilates and Weights is Hideous!! But it’s all at Jazzercise. I do it 5x a week, for FUN, and it has aerobics (running) pilates (yeah!) and weights!) and stretching–all updated–all new. All for an hour. All women. No one cares what you look like. 40 bucks a month, tons of classes/times. And they’re everywhere, esp. California. I’m telling you, it’s addictive with the music–Today’s Music. (Maybe not your music, but at least today’s music.)
    Also, buy a lot of cheap workout clothes at Target, keep your gym bag packed everynight in your car and do the laundry once a week with all the gym clothes. Buy coolmax everything, underwear, sox, tanks, etc. You will workout and not even notice. I’ve tried gyms and machines and all that–the guys there, it’s torture. This is just fun and no lurking pockets of humiliation. You can walk in and try a class for 10 bucks or under usually. Sometimes free during open house.

  3. Wow! Your post-it list is very impressive. I hope that you’re soon in the land of “did that,” rather than “ready to do it.”

    Your Fancygym sounds great, and I think I may belong to it, although who knows? There are so many Fancygyms in the Bay Area, right?

    I’d love for you to post a picture of your gym bag. I’m sure it’s adorable. Maybe after you go to the gym one morning?

    Good luck!

  4. I hope you followed up with your post-it notes. I had some aspirations of leaving right after work and going to the pool and even pulled out a swimsuit and a towel and goggles.

    This would have worked except I drove off merrily with a Diet Coke in hand and everything sitting on my bed for my cats to admire. But I can still make it tonight. Right? Right?

  5. You have totally enlightened me. I never know iteration was a word. I am familiar with reiteration and reiterate. But I can’t wait to start using the words without the re. Example, I am iterating this point and now I will reiterate it…AWESOME!

    ps. I am totally banking on the fact that you didn’t make up the word iteration. I so blindly trust in you that I won’t even look up iterate on http://www.dictionary.com before testing it out on somebody tomorrow.

  6. Water, towel, daypass fee, CD player (I’m Old Skool), phone (in case I pass out), enough change for a post-workout protein drink.

    I’m thinking about Zumba class tomorrow, but I don’t know yet.

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