wish list

It is the season of miracles and the time when dreams, which are the wishes your heart makes, all come true. So in case you’re still shopping for the perfect Anne present to make a perfect Anne holiday, here is a handy annotated guide to the deepest recesses of my deepest heart. It is entitled "Wish List; or, We’re Going to Need a Bigger Stocking."

  1. A pocket apocalypse. I want to keep doom in my pants.
  2. UnEqual. It doesn’t taste like sugar—it tastes better than sugar. And it makes you fly and have puppies and win at the expense of others.
  3. A portable truffle-maker. Machine, or guy named Steve with subcutaneous candy-making implants, whatever. As long as the instant I snap my fingers, there is a truffle in my cheek.
  4. Dr. Lulu "Rock ‘n’ Roll" Pickles, a magical unicorn with whom I shall have exciting adventures, make delicious toast, and slay the unbelievers until the streets run red with blood.
  5. A secret, steerable, low-flying asteroid base with which I will strafe the White House, Denny’s, and 7-11s across the globe, from which I will rule the world, with gold-plated spa bathtubs and a milkshake machine. (I don’t know. Use astrophysics.)
  6. A Chia Pet Burrito. With extra salsa.
  7. To be elected Queen of Candy Town, and to make my subjects tremble when I so much as frown, for fear that I will take away the dayball and their crops shall all perish.
  8. A Robot from the Planet Danger, now with real chocolate-dispensing hoses, Valium exhausts, and dog-walking action.
  9. The power of waffles. And I shall say Come unto me, children, and let me soothe you with waffles. You still can’t walk, but wasn’t that delicious?
  10. 3-D holographic scratch and sniff butt tattoos with surround sound and mad beats.
  11. That people wouldn’t be jealous of my beatboxing any more and would maybe, instead of laughing, support my dreams of wicked-fresh stardom.
  12. The power over who lives (with puppies) and who dies (suspended naked over a piranha tank while an acid bath slowly washes over their flesh).
  13. A double-barreled Skittles gun. Taste this rainbow, motherfuckers!
  14. A tiny little living meatball.
  15. Highly specialized personal elves. A pair just for shoelaces, and one to brush molars, and one that sings songs in the public domain, and one who declines Latin adjectives, and one who likes cheese, and one with a mole.
  16. That the world would come together in love and peace and hold hands and lift their hearts to the sky and recognize, in a blinding flash of beautiful non-denominational magic, that puns are the highest form of humor. Hi-larious! Hahahaha! Sorry.
  17. To leave behind a trail of silver sparkles wherever I go that would cure cancer and turn into diamonds, unless they were accidentally vacuumed up.
  18. Wrist inserts that shoot black licorice, pink cotton candy, and white-hot death.
  19. Chocolate enrobing. You can’t help but love me, when I am so delicious.
  20. Peace on earth, good will to all genders, and waffles for everyone.

3 Replies to “wish list”

  1. That was beautiful, man. *wipes tears from eyes* I jsut recently stumbled upon this blog and it’s one of the only ones my company allows viewing through the internet and every day I look forward to reading it at lunch. It’s hard to find stuff that agrees with my own particular quirky brand of humor but you hit the nail on the head every. single. time.

  2. Pardon me, but I’m still chortling over “Taste THIS rainbow, motherfuckers!” I think that’s the one with the most marketing potential, right there.

  3. Yeah, Bronwen, the skittles one made me spit diet Coke all over my keyboard.

    But, Anne, my goodness: “strafe” and “White House” in the same sentence? Oh man, secret service agents are lining up outside your place of business right now, my friend ;-)

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