this post brought to you by an excessive amount of italics

I am getting dangerously, thrillingly organized about this
move that is consuming all my mental resources and not letting me think or
breathe or talk about anything else, and aren’t you guys so lucky? You’re so
lucky, and I’m such a mess! But an organized mess, and thank god for that, or
I’d be very dead right now.

After spending the weekend panicking, per usual, and feeling
on the edge of expiration any single
and like I wasn’t getting anything done and oh my god, I am going to
fail at moving and I have no time and
everything is ruined! I spent the
first half of yesterday breathing hard, because now it was Monday and that was even
worse! But then I had some tuna fish and later, I had some tea (earl grey,
splash of milk, delicious) and then I realized I had to get the nutcasery under

I raided the supply closet, and pulled out a tiny little
notepad, and on the first, fresh page, with a nice, fresh, medium ballpointed
pen, as I am wont to do, I started brainstorming a list. I let it come
naturally; I wrote out five or so things that had been on my mind, and then I
was able to exhale. Those things were now pinned down, and being pinned down
means that I can pull their wings off at my leisure, and that means I am the
one in charge. Oh, I like to be in charge.

For the rest of the day, I kept the notepad next to my
keyboard, and any time I thought oh my
god I have to do that thing and that thing and oh my god I can’t forget that
thing aaaaah—
I cut off the thought, picked up my pen, and wrote those
things down. And there they were, indelible and lined up to be knocked down,
just the way they should be. Who knew that writing a list could be very much on
par with getting a back rub in a hot tub filled with marshmallow fluff? Well, I
knew that. Somehow, I had just forgotten it. The way I’ve forgotten the ability
to think about anything other than moving. Did I tell you I’m moving? I’m so totally moving in two weeks

You know what else was pretty cool? The way sometimes I
thought of something I had to do, and instead of putting it on my list,
realized I could take care of it right there and then. Oh my god, I have to
talk to my new landlord about—hey, I am just going to call him right this
second. Oh my god, I have to cancel stupid Netflix which I never use anyway I
hate Netflix so much, stupid Netflix dot com, account, cancel my account, yes I want to cancel my goddamn account no I
don’t want to suspend it thank you so much
oh hey, that was easy. Yay!
Maybe I won’t lose my mind entirely?

It is already abundantly clear that I’ve lost my mind
entirely, as has been previously documented. But I should be able to keep it together. On the train, I took that
comprehensive to-do list I’ve started, and I’ve begun a page for each day of this upcoming
week, and I’ve divided my tasks up over the course of the week, in a hopefully
rational and reasonable manner. And so all I have to do is turn to a day, think
to myself, "Self, today these are the three tasks you have set yourself!
Go to it, Self! For with the completion of these three tasks, you are three
tasks closer to being able to die quietly." And so it will totally go.

I’ve promised myself ("Self, I promise…") that if
I do not complete something on the day I expected to, that I will not go
batshit insane. I will simply reassign that task and go on without exploding
messily. I’ve also promised myself a pony and some chocolate and some Valium
and some more chocolate and all the wine in the world and maybe a week off once
all this nonsense is done. I am trying to live for the chocolate valium ponies,
and for the possibility of someday, somehow, getting my brain back.

3 Replies to “this post brought to you by an excessive amount of italics”

  1. Oh, I’d be lost without my lists. I find it very grounding and reassuring to make them.

    Of course making them doesn’t mean I actually do the things on them, not all of them and not all of the time, anyway.

    And sometimes at the end of the day when I see all the things I didn’t cross off I feel compelled to add to the list a few extra things I DID actually do just so I have some things to cross off.

    Yes, the crazy, it’s in me.

    Stay calm! Breathe! Focus! Vodka!

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