and i say no, no, no

Not so long ago, I was so proud of the way I had been so
strong and brave and the leader in the Exciting New Road to Fitness and Health
that E and I were embarking on. He didn’t want to go to the gym, but I said no!
We are going! And I was tough and firm, but fair, and made him put on his
little shorts, and we got our asses to the gym and it was a spectacular
success, health-wise, discipline-wise, and in every way. We won! More to the
point, I won! Go me, oh my-oh.

Today, of course, I have spent the day dreading the gym. E
is so excited to go, which makes me very proud of him, and also very jealous
because today I do not have that kind of energy. Today I just want to lie on
the couch and kind of moan because my stomach is doing terrible things, I feel
tired and kind of weak and I had to sit down in the shower this afternoon
before I fell down, because probably I have the plague or have been bit by an
adder, or something. Whatever it is, it is gross and irritating, and I don’t
want to faint spectacularly at the gym because I’ll go flying off the treadmill
and crash through one of the giant windows and land humorously spread-eagle in
a snow bank below, and that’s just not something you can get over, easily, that
kind of social embarrassment.

I am going to take a sick day. A sick day is like a snow day, only with less magical fairy snow making the world a very beautiful place,
and more being prone and clutching my belly and then having to rapidly not be
prone and feeling very sorry for myself. I feel very sorry for myself. I don’t want to be sick. I want to be
brave and strong and have muscles and be tough. E is going to go to the gym
without me, and kick ass on the elliptical and I am going to stay home and my
arm will tremble as I lift the remote up and with a gasp of effort, hit the On
Demand button and see if I can’t find a movie with boobs in it to cheer me
up.  My cat is not down with making me
chicken soup. Instead, he is lying on the heat vent and looking at me all what?
Did you want something? Can I help you?

I have this schedule, though. In the schedule, in the
future, I will not take sick days. Unless I’m sick. What I’m going to do
instead is get up every weekday morning at ridiculous o’clock, and have a
proteinlicious breakfast, and then go run and pick up heavy things. And then, I
will have the whole day in front of me! So this turns out to be a wonderful
thing, that I’m sick, because that means we can shift our schedule to going in
the morning, instead of going at night, and I think God sent the ague to me to
show me the way, the truth and the light, and who am I but a peon who should
totally heed the word of god which manifest as terrifying rumblings in my belly
that make me sound as if I might explode and take the whole world down with me?

So tonight I am going to lie down and watch On Demand movies
and wish that someone who can cook would make me some healing soup, and root quietly for my determined E who is going to go workout anyway and
kicking ass, and tomorrow, I will go to the gym and be good as new, because
it’s a whole new bright and beautiful day.

  1 comment for “and i say no, no, no

  1. anon
    February 26, 2008 at 3:07 pm

    Sick is the one honest and true excuse to not exercise. So go watch some boobs and rest and feel better and don’t worry because it’s legit.

    Morning exercise. Ah, the bane of my existence. And yet, the only way I really can do it. It sucks, but then it becomes a routine, and then it still sucks but it sucks while you’re feeling better about your body and your health and your energy and all the time you have to be efficient and not suck during the day! So that makes the suck a little less sucky.

    Maybe E will bring some soup to you after the gym?

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