and back up again

Yesterday was one of those days where you don’t just take things the wrong way–everything
comes flying at you at enormous speed and hits you wrong, and leaves you hurting and cringing and feeling bruised, beat up, weak and sad and as lame as Tiny Tim when a snowstorm is coming. I was already feeling guilty and unhappy
about feeling so tired and wiped out by my exercise class the previous day that
I skipped getting up early and going to yoga class the way my schedule and my
to-do list said I should. Within an hour, after a series of relatively small
and stupid things, I managed to go from vaguely unhappy to starting a spiral
that I could just tell was going to be one of those rapid downward ones that
feel exactly like you’re circling a drain, and at the other end, there’s a
sewer full of hungry mutant alligators who think woe and despair just makes your
meat spicy and delicious.

It
felt like there was no way out of it, and I was fucked, and then suddenly it
was a vicious cycle, and there was way too much of this spinning shit going on,
and I was getting dizzy and sick and sad about being so sad and there was another vicious cycle, and what the fuck
is wrong with me, that I have to get like this? At ten o’clock in the morning?
I should be sipping tea and eating a Kashi whole-grain waffle with delicious,
heart-lubricating butter and working my way slowly through my to-do list,
accomplishing things with a satisfying click. Instead, I was curled up on the
couch, paralyzed with self-loathing and paranoia and insecurity and all sorts
of fun things like that. Drama, drama, on the verge of a meltdown, and I couldn’t
make it stop.



How
does this shit happen? I feel like I’ve become more fragile, lately, so easily
tipped off balance. Moving, being out of
my element, trying to figure out how to reconfigure everything in my life, it’s
all stressful, sure. But it shouldn’t affect me to this degree, which makes me
think there’s something underlying everything. Something deep-seated that would
turn me into a superhero or an anti-hero or a vigilante or a villain who wants
to take over the world, if I were in a comic book. Instead, I’m just me on a couch,
disliking myself for being so stupid, feeling sorry for myself for no good
reason, and wishing it would stop, already, because things aren’t so bad and I
am just crazy but can’t I just not be crazy? That sounds pretty nice.

Not
knowing what to do, not wanting to call anyone–hi, I’m crazy. No, I can’t explain
exactly what’s wrong, because I don’t know what’s wrong, exactly, and I can’t
pinpoint what’s bothering me and if I try, it just sounds ridiculous and that
makes me even madder at myself and you don’t want to know, anyway. No, you
really don’t.  Not getting any work
done. Ha, I should open a bottle of
wine, at 11:00 in the morning. Wait, that’s such a good idea. Hey, E’s mom is
calling, and we’re going out to lunch, and okay, I have to put on pants. If I can pull myself together enough to find
pants, WOE.

And
she is wonderful. And being around her, it makes you feel calm, and loved, and
secure. She is fun, and so kind, and
hilarious, and we ate Mexican food and went to a used bookstore where books
were 80 percent off and we both filled up two baskets full. We went to Costco,
which is a huge and weird place and then we went back to her house to let the
dogs out and drank coffee and we talked, and being around her is better than a
bottle of wine at 11:00 in the morning, and slightly less pathetic, too. It is
unfortunate that I have to spend most of my days working, instead of spending
them hanging out with her, but it is so good that I have her, she reminds me,
less than ten minutes away, she’s missed seeing me, she is here for me, she loves
me. I needed to hear that. It is a rare and wonderful thing, when you get
exactly what you need.

  4 comments for “and back up again

  1. March 5, 2008 at 11:01 am

    It’s always good when you have someone to lean on and yank you out of the funk. However, if the funk has been happening regularly, you might want to check (a) to see if you need to be on depression meds; (b) have your hormones checked – apparently, losing a lot of weight can really fuck that shit UP; (c) maybe see if there’s a therapist in your new place you could call on if you need to…you’ve dealt with so many changes in your life, it’s no wonder it’s all a little overwhelming.

    Finally – focus on the positive things as much as you can. While depression is depression, one of the therapeutic approaches that actually seems to kind of work is cognitive therapy – realizing that a situation is what it is, and you have a choice of how to respond. When you’re really in one of those toilet-bowl spirals, it’s sometimes hard to think that there IS a choice…but you train your mind to stop and THINK. It doesn’t always work – I mean, some things objectively suck sweaty goat balls – but it helps for the little crap.

    Hang in there. It will get better.

  2. anon
    March 5, 2008 at 11:29 am

    If ever there was a reason not to be depressed it’s having a great boyfriend AND liking his mom. Future mother in law, perhaps, and a good one? That’s like a gift from the gods, sister!

    Seriously, though. I can relate to what you write very well. I know you’re already on meds, or at least I am pretty sure you’ve said so before, but maybe it’s time to go to the doc for a tune-up, you know? Maybe some things need to be adjusted.

    Some of us experience more severe ups and downs in life than others. I’m never been fully convinced that it’s JUST biological, but neither do I believe it’s not at all biological. I think it’s a bunch of different factors, varying for each of us, all wrapped up with a pretty bow on top. Call it The Uniqueness Of You.

    I think to some degree you can work on trying ot modify it a bit, just for your own sake/sanity, but I also really think you have to embrace it. It’s who you are. And you know the way it goes, so it’s ok that some days are spent lying in a funk on the couch in your jammies, because you know right around the corner a great day is about to happen. Doesn’t it always?

  3. Anonymous
    March 5, 2008 at 12:00 pm

    gotta agree with anon, and also that she likes you! having a fabulous boyfriend and his mom HATING me (despite truly being a very sweet, smart, fun person) is proof that i must have done something deeply odious in a past life. and hello, mexican food! nothing like melted cheese and beans to make everything better. but it helps to just remember there are good days and bad days. and if there weren’t bad days, the good ones wouldn’t seem nearly as brilliant.

  4. sally
    March 5, 2008 at 3:50 pm

    Anne,
    I think you’re channeling my brutal, stomach churning angst at turning 45 tomorrow…thank you…

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