naked: porn-no

pornforwomen.jpg
You know what I dislike a lot? Feeling like I am a dour and humorless old woman. You know what makes me feel dour and humorless? A book called Porn For Women, filled with pictures of men doing incredibly sexy things like washing the dishes and vacuuming the floor. Isn’t that hilarious? Women don’t want sex! What they really want is a man to participate in household chores! They want a penis that knows how to run the dishwasher! Sticking it in, one presumes, is the dude’s reward for doing something as shocking and sexy as taking out the garbage.



The book says it is “taking back” porn for women, as if we had asked
them to, or it had been stolen. It rests on the total hilarity of the
idea that porn is all male-centered deep dicking, and the total
impossibility that a man would voluntarily lift a finger. That every
lady really spends her hand-down-the-pants time thinking about clean
floors and chores.  No, you wretched people. It’s not funny. The
rampaging gender stereotyping on both sides, the suggestion that women
are not supposed to enjoy sex (or that they need a penis to do it), the
assumption that your average naked and sweaty porn is something that
couldn’t turn a woman on, the whole idea that the only nasty things a
woman thinks about–or should think about–is an unsanitized toilet. Ha
ha! It’s so funny! Hey, screw you, because what kind of bullshit is
that?

My porn will never involve a man looking soulful while he
scrubs at a stubborn greasy stain on the carpet. I will never touch
myself while I think about a guy Pledging the bookcases with his pants
half-unbuttoned. If I even consider thinking that maybe it’s kind of
hot, a dude in a tank top changing the kitty litter, I want someone to
come to my house, beat me within an inch of my life with my own
vibrator, and then confiscate it for good.  I’m kind of okay with being
humorless about this, because you know, it’s not really funny.

  5 comments for “naked: porn-no

  1. spiderbite
    March 18, 2008 at 3:55 pm

    So male porn, according to these authors, would be…naked women doing tax returns? Managing stock portfolios? You know, stuff that men usually do and woman don’t?

    Also, I do housework. Changing litter, scrubbing grout, dusting, etc. makes me sweaty and dirty in an unpleasant way. I wouldn’t want to have sex with myself in that state. While I’m all for someone doing my laundry and vacuuming my living room, I’d prefer that he take a shower before we get it on. Also, if someone else is doing the housework? I’m not going to be watching. I’m going to be doing other stuff that I normally can’t do because I am doing housework (taking a yoga class, hiking, reading, meeting up with friends, etc.). Doing my own baseboards is tiring and boring. Watching someone else do baseboards is passive and boring. No thanks.

  2. jetmore
    March 18, 2008 at 4:08 pm

    Thank you. I knew I hated this book, but could never exactly explain why.

  3. Moe
    March 19, 2008 at 12:08 am

    Are they dressed in the pictures? The cover doesn’t look too thrilling. He doesn’t even have his shirt open. I’m thinking I might be interested if there are some buff half naked dudes in there. :)

  4. spiderbite
    March 19, 2008 at 2:29 pm

    Also, is anyone else a little bugged that porn “for women” doesn’t seem to include anyone other than a hetero woman? I’m a little embarrassed that it took me so long to notice, so feel free to call me a hypocrite, but I expect better of a woman’s cooperative. Which presumably had input from the members and did not slap this together in one day.

  5. spiderbite
    March 19, 2008 at 2:31 pm

    (Oops. I meant a “women’s cooperative.” Plural. Not a cooperative of one. Sorry for the typo.)

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