naked: which celeb are you allowed to sleep with?

Have you ever played The List game with your partner? I’ve also seen it called The Celebrity Safe List. It’s the game where you choose a selection of famous people–up to ten, usually, but sometimes only one or only three, depending on the generosity of your sweetheart–that you are allowed to sleep with, no strings attached, if you are ever granted the magical opportunity and also a broom closet in which to do it.  

It lets you play with fire, just the tiniest little bit, doesn’t it? I mean, what if you really actually totally had a magical chance to go down on squinty-but-oh-so-beautiful Tyson Beckford? You could, so free and so clear, and he would squint sexily down at you and you know what he’s squinting is oh baby, if only you weren’t so totally in love with your partner, I would carry you away to Paris and impregnate you with my beautiful model babies. And isn’t that so nice to think about?  It’s also an opportunity to compile a list of so pretty people you like to think about, and then open season to think about having a lot of sex with each and every one of them.



And isn’t it interesting to get a glimpse into what your partner likes?
A rare and elusive snapshot of the most private parts of their psyche?
You didn’t know they were into brunettes, or volleyball players with
big quads or clog dancers or girls with gaps in their teeth, except
you’re a short, curvy blonde with perfect choppers, and now you’re
absolutely miserable because you are nothing that they want, in bed,
and they’ve been lying to you all along and there’s no way they’re
really attracted to you because you look nothing like Penelope Cruz and
you never will and you’ve been thinking about having sex with her and
not me and I hate you and I hate my fat thighs and I hate everything
and I hate this stupid game and you forget that your sweetheart doesn’t
look anything like Tyson Beckford and really, it’s ugly all around.

I
have seen it happen to friends, and it’s happened to me more than I’d
like to admit, no matter how often I think I am going to be rational
about this game that gets too serious way too quickly. It’s funny, how
things can disintegrate so quickly, how sexual jealousy is so closely
linked to self-esteem, how touchy we can be about our sexual
attractiveness, how irrational we can become when the possibility that
we are not every single last solitary thing our partner finds
attractive in a mate. We’re aware, maybe for example, that we cannot be
both large-breasted and waif-like at the same time, and yet we are
enraged that our partner might find both body types attractive, heaven
forefend. And yet, it touches a nerve, and yet, it still sucks.

I
swore off playing the list game a very long time ago, because I am not
good at it. I get too wrapped up, too emotional, too jealous of
imaginary, next to impossible liaisons with far-away celebrities, and
that is no way to live. But friends of mine play it, and they play it
the right way.  On our way to dinner, she says, “You know who’s on your
list?” and he cringes. “Who?” he says. “Tammy Faye Baker,” she says,
and he sobs quietly into a handkerchief. It seems cruel, but it’s
slightly less cruel than telling your sweetheart that you think about
being double teamed by John Krasinski and Vin Diesel. I mean, go ahead
and think about it. Maybe just don’t tell them, and happily, they won’t
tell you.

11 Replies to “naked: which celeb are you allowed to sleep with?”

  1. What I have learned from this game is that if Helen Mirren ever shows up at our house and takes her top off, there will be a fight over who gets to have sex with her first.

  2. My ex-boyfriend said he wanted to play The List game once, so I said I’d do Taye Diggs if I got a chance, and who would he? And he said there was no one in the world worth having sex with except me. And I felt like an ass.

    (PS – Tammy Faye Baker is dead.)

  3. Mo, for us it’s Angelina Jolie. I think we have agreed to share, since she seems like she’d be into that.

    (Also, I may have once told my husband I would be very upset at him if he got the chance to go gay for George Clooney and did not take it. But there were no witnesses other than cats, so you will never know how true that is.)

  4. double teamed by John Krasinski and Vin Diesel

    What I have learned from this game is that holy shit, I need to update my list. Immediately.

  5. This is hilarious.

    I have learned that if Erykah Badu walked in, that would be it.

    On the other hand, if Alan Rickman walked in and… well, to be honest, read my credit card statement, the phonebook, a math textbook, a legal document, etc. to me, my clothes would simply slide off, lubricated by his voice alone.

  6. So true.

    The husband and I have played this, and I think both of us are mollified by the fact that neither Megan Good nor Idris Elba are coming to our little end of the Bible Belt anytime soon.

    But that Vin Diesel/John Krasinski bit? I need to go home, because I am now officially useless for the rest of the day at work.

  7. Heh. Yes, I was alarmed when I realized that on my husband’s list are some uber skinny, tan, blonde hotties but I’m v. pale, brunette and fat. But now I tease him about it, and he teases me about my Vin Diesel thing. And yes, if Angelina Jolie walks in looking for some indiscriminate sex? All bets are off–she’s on both lists. :)

  8. For me it is Josh Duhamel and Penn Badgley from Gossip Girl…look him up *drools*

    For my boyfriend it would be Tobey McGuire and Zack Braff (ew).

    Yah, we’re gay by the way.

    And funny enough my boyfriend KINDA looks like a short and chubby version on Penn Badgely, so there you go.

  9. I totally disagree about the list game–it’s my favorite and can be great for relationships. I was so yay my boyfriend when he put Janene Garofalo on his list–another sexy non-uber-skinny smart brunette with glasses! He loves me after all!

    And I found it enlightening when an ex put Dolly Parton on his list. Guys are so mysterious and unpredictable, and it’s so great to realize all the different kinds of people they find attractive.

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