happy medium

Beth, in the comments yesterday, nailed another problem–sometimes, there is just no happy medium. I was so looking forward to a complete day of absolute silence. Me, the cat, the laptop and a maybe a handful of books. No television, no music, and the only interaction that would take place would be my ass interacting with the couch and my mouth maybe interacting with a sandwich around noon. If I was absolutely forced to, I would maybe go down to the store and get myself a soda of some kind and enjoy the sunshine, but that was totally optional. The only obligation I had was to be very, very still, get my work done, and be alone.

But I laid down with my laptop, and then got back up. I washed the dishes. I picked up my phone, and almost called Jayrad and asked him what he was doing for lunch, almost called E’s mom to see if she wanted to get coffee. I thought about trying to catch A. before he left for work, and suggest maybe we go out for ice cream. I got through my next batch of emails to return, and they were all ridiculously long and chatty and endless and yakkity yakkity and I kind of cringed, listening to myself, but sent them anyway. I wanted to make half-a-dozen phone calls but realized I didn’t actually have anything to say and I really didn’t actually want to talk to anyone. I was feeling listless and lonely and alone, and that is a very irritating combination.



I mean, wasn’t the point that I wanted to be alone? And now here it
was, a problem that I was alone? I chose this! I made a decision! It
was a very good decision, too, because if I wasn’t alone right now, I’d
be a big messy mess all over the floor and probably make everyone
wonder why I hate them so much, and that is just rude.

I persevered. I took my crazy pill, a long shower, a walk down the
block. I kept my phone off, I smiled at the clerk at the store, I
detoured through the park. I rubbed the cat’s belly awhile, and thought
calming thoughts. I thought about taking a bath and shaving my legs. I
thought about how I didn’t want to go to the party, that evening, for
Jayrad’s birthday (it is the season of birthdays) and talk to people
and try to be charming when my charm tank is low and my charisma is in
the toilet. I closed my eyes for a while, and thought about world peace.
I picked out an outfit, put on makeup for the first time in weeks. I
wore eyeliner. I even wore blush. I realized I could order a very big
cheeseburger, practically mooing. I would also order a very large
Manhattan, straight the hell up. I planned on being very happy, because
that is the benefit of there being no happy-medium, right? Sometimes it
works out.

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