naked: on phone sex

kate winselt phone sex.jpg
Over on our beloved Daily Bedpost, Em & Lo are asking the terribly impertinent question, “Have you ever had phone sex?” which is inspiring a lot of giggles in the people they’ve accosted on the street. Phone sex is ridiculous and makes you feel stupid and awkward and weird.

We should all take phone sex tips from Kate Winslet, who knows that you have to throw yourself whole-heartedly into phone sex. There is no weaseling out, no half-assing it, no chicken shittery. Have phone sex, and have it well! Maybe not with those exact words, since I suspect only Kate Winslet can get away with saying, “I’d love it if you stuck your Willy Wonka between my Oompa Loompas.”  

Why does it make us feel so stupid to talk about sex?



Is it because we’re vulnerable and afraid of sounding ridiculous? Is it
because talking dirty is so hard to do, anyway, without sounding,
maybe, a little porny and maybe kind of dumb and completely the
opposite of sexy? Or are you afraid your loved one is muting the phone
and laughing when you confess that you regularly fantasize about men in
suspenders and top hats?

I’m all for trying something that
scares you, going ahead and letting myself be vulnerable, taking a
risk, sounding dumb but maybe also having a damn swell time in the
process–but honestly, phone sex is one of those things I am really
afraid of. See all of the above, and add a dose of insecurity that I’m
just not good at it. I mean, I’m really not good at it. And that is
really not sexy.

Tell me–have you ever had phone sex? Are you
good at it? Have you got any tips for the shy and faint of heart? Or
should phone sex be policed by the telecommunications industry for our
own personal safety?

  6 comments for “naked: on phone sex

  1. Cindy
    May 13, 2008 at 6:04 pm

    Nope. Never.
    I never got into faux sex on the internet either. I admit that the principle sex organ is the brain, and I certainly have some imagination, but on the phone or on a keyboard, the distance is too much.

  2. May 13, 2008 at 6:40 pm

    I’ve never done the internet thing…I just can’t imagine how that might work, to be honest. However, I’ve been in a long distance relationship for the last year and phone sex was just something that happened quite naturally…it’s not that common an occurrence, but it helps bridge the gap between visits and restores a sense of intimacy and lust that is easily lost when we don’t see each other for weeks at a time.
    I’m not terribly good at it, he really runs the show. He’s wonderful with words anyway, and often writes me poetry, so it’s not that giant a leap for him to get creative in whispering sweet and saucy nothings over the phone-line…also, just reciting such tales makes him relive the moment so all it takes is a few choice replies from he and he’s quite content too.
    I’d have considered myself quite the prude, so I’m surprised by how much I enjoy it, and often I initiate it now, too. I can understand how easy it is to get self conscious, but I don’t believe a man on the planet would be secretly sniggering if he heard his lady love describing her undergarments.

  3. May 13, 2008 at 10:58 pm

    I did the internet sex thing before I ever kissed anyone – because I was both genuinely curious about male sexuality, and extremely excited by reading words about sex in general. (I was a perv kid, man… anything remotely sex-related in my books got earmarked, and I’m a little embarrassed to admit but I “borrowed” erotica off my parent’s shelves more than once too). Plus, the people I was already chatting with online were all more or less teenage boys, and so a conversation would evolve pretty naturally from “so, what do you like?” to “hm, and what about if I did xyz?”
    Later on I did the long distance thing for a couple of years, and like Cara said, it came pretty naturally, either in the form of remembrances or as shared fantasies. There was never a lot of detail or description involved, just a lot of “I want to do xyz to you, because you react in xyz way when I do”. It was good for bridging the times we were apart, and sometimes helped us be able to talk about what we wanted specifically without getting so distracted by the general WANT. Real sex is still best though :)

  4. May 14, 2008 at 4:23 am

    Phone sex rules!!!

  5. gina
    May 14, 2008 at 10:10 am

    i’ve always felt far more comfortable with phone sex than actual sex. I’ve been fortunate in my choice of partners, and to this day I think I enjoy that more than the “real thing”. On the phone, it’s easier to be a myriad of things(sexy, mysterious, playful, confident), whereas in person, it’s painfully obvious I am, sadly, none of those things in bed. Sex is a disaster waiting to happen. It’s the physcality, you see; I’m not beautiful or especially agile or graceful, so sex with me certainly can’t be much more than a fumbling excercise in which my partner tries to ignore my body and its myriad flaws whilst being/getting in it. I’d much rather detatch myself from the whole business, save my efforts for something I know won’t disappoint.

  6. electropoptart
    May 14, 2008 at 12:00 pm

    Nada, zilch, never.
    First of all, I don’t even really like the real thing all that much, believeitornot. So, yah, never could or would do it.

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