naked: what’s the worst thing anyone’s ever said to you in bed?

We went out to karaoke, one night, and to do karaoke, you usually have to be drunk. Unless you’re a good singer, in which case being drunk is just a nice bonus. We were all very drunk, regardless of our level of singing talent, and talk turned, as talk usually does when you’re very drunk and happy, to sex. It’s easier, of course, to talk about sex when you’re three sheets to the wind and can blame every embarrassing thing that comes out of your mouth on the highball glass filled to the top with beautiful vodka. The sex talk came around, after some meandering, to talking dirty in bed, which ended up becoming a conversation about the very worst thing anyone had ever said in bed to us.

I am very disappointed to report that I don’t entirely remember my friends’ stories. I know, however, that they were terrible, and painfully hilarious in the way that only something wretched and awful and embarrassing can be, in retrospect. I kind of wish I didn’t remember my own story, because it still makes me cringe, 15 years later, when I think about it.



We were making out, me and a guy I was hopelessly attracted to. He was
a charming, smarmy, slightly cheesy finger-guns kind of guy, which
should have warned me, but I did not heed the urgent, screaming
klaxons. I loved that he was so smooth and that he turned that charm on
me so regularly, with brilliant results. I mean, he had his hand on my
boob, so I think he could be pretty confident that Operation Charm Her
Pants Off would be a complete success.

Maybe he got too confident. Maybe the boobs went to his head as the
blood rushed from it and down to his dick. Maybe–and this is so
terrible to think about–it had worked before. But he pulled away from
me, took my hand and led me to his bed. He kissed me, drop kicked his
pants, yanked off his shirt and sprawled on the mattress. I believe I
was stunned into silence in immobility, in the face of his erection,
which was rampant, and pointing straight up and a little to the side
like a sundial. He grabbed it, shook it at me, a little wobble to and
fro, and he said, “Saddle up, babe!”

I’m pretty sure I said “Oh god,” and left the room. At least, I hope
that’s what I did. The misty fog of memory swirls and coalesces,
mercifully closing over the rest of that night and shielding me from
further psychic harm. But I am still left with residual nausea and a
little bit of heartburn.

I think it’s easy to say the wrong thing in bed, I think, especially if
it’s the first time, or your relationship is still new. You’re not
thinking particularly clearly, you’re incredibly vulnerable, you’re
sometimes incredibly, nerve-wrackingly nervous and afraid you’re going to
do the wrong thing, physically. You could perform the wrong technique
the wrong way or trip or drool or fart or stumble or do something
ridiculous. And you’re so busy concentrating that your mouth is left to
its own devices, and you are liable to blurt out the most ridiculous,
embarrassing things that you feel like you won’t ever, ever live down
or get over. Luckily, there are ways to distract your partner
immediately, if you are a quick thinker. And if she hasn’t fled the
room in horror.

What’s the worst thing anyone’s ever said to you in bed? What’s the
worst thing you’ve ever said, that has made you want to sink through
the mattress (or the car seat or the kitchen table or the floor,
et cetera)? We want to know. Sharing spreads the pain and in this way,
dilutes it.

  31 comments for “naked: what’s the worst thing anyone’s ever said to you in bed?

  1. May 9, 2008 at 10:17 am

    awesome. just awesome. and hilarious.

  2. Wendy
    May 9, 2008 at 10:41 am

    “How many newborn babies did you flay to get skin this soft?”
    It was supposed to be a compliment.

  3. May 9, 2008 at 11:34 am

    Argh! Now I can’t get that image out of my head!

  4. May 9, 2008 at 11:56 am

    I said the wrong name in the middle of sex. Not just once, but repeatedly. It ended badly for everyone involved.

  5. Lizzy
    May 9, 2008 at 1:07 pm

    Not me but a friend was getting hot n heavy with a guy and he was stroking her inner thigh and said “Mmm your vagina feels really nice” Oh deary me..!
    I once asked my boyfriend if it was in but I didn’t mean it in *that* way (we were in an awkward position where it couldn’t go in very deep) though obviously that was how he took it =X

  6. M.
    May 9, 2008 at 1:52 pm

    I’ve said: “Oh, wow. This must look absolutely ridiculous from behind.”
    That was definitely the end of that. (Even though most sex acts really do look ridiculous from behind.)

  7. electropoptart
    May 9, 2008 at 3:24 pm

    My partner said “I love you” right after…Um, we had only been going out a week! = | I was like “Um, yah, sure..” lol.
    The worst thing I do is giggle the whole time, every time! I think sex is sooo rediculously funny and awkward, lol.

  8. Allison
    May 9, 2008 at 4:02 pm

    Oh lord, I was in a situation SO similar to yours….messing around with a hot guy when all of a sudden, right before we were about to actually ‘do it’ he said “Alright, Tally Ho”
    WTF?!!??!

  9. May 9, 2008 at 6:17 pm

    “Tally ho” is the funniest thing I’ve read all week!

  10. Angela
    May 9, 2008 at 7:25 pm

    I’ve had a few and it turns me off every time.
    “Was it good for you?”
    “So, on a scale of 1-10…?”
    I kid you not. I’m still trying to get my breathing back to normal and Joe Romeo over there wants to know what I thought of his perfomance.
    Ugh…

  11. k.
    May 9, 2008 at 9:23 pm

    said to me:
    “oh my god, this is so much fun.”
    followed by me saying:
    “you’ve had sex before. …right?”

  12. May 10, 2008 at 1:12 am

    I once had a guy say “Who’s your daddy???” in the middle of sex.
    He was a little offended when I laughed out loud at him.
    (Of course, I have no room to talk, since I once said “I hate to come and run” to a booty call right before dashing out of his apartment)

  13. May 10, 2008 at 8:27 am

    Ex-girlfriend was trying to kick off some mid-coital dirty talk by asking, “What are you doing to me?”
    In retrospect, clearly I was meant to say something like, “I’m fucking you!” or whatever. But in the moment, I didn’t realise that, and instead I just froze up and said, “Uh… I thought it was pretty obvious.”

  14. kat
    May 10, 2008 at 10:59 am

    When one of my frends lost her virginity, the guuy said, “How does it feel?”, and she went “Ummmm…kinda like doing a poo backwards?”

  15. Anonymous
    May 10, 2008 at 11:54 am

    “Come for me, baby” gets points for cheesiest.

  16. ME
    May 10, 2008 at 1:47 pm

    Come on, now, u know u jumped on it..I would have..

  17. sasha
    May 10, 2008 at 3:10 pm

    I think I’m going to co-opt “Tally Ho!”

  18. Anonymous
    May 11, 2008 at 12:40 am

    Not the worst, but certainly the funniest was once when I was on top and my boyfriend of one month said, “roll over baby, and let Daddy do the fucking.”

  19. Jane
    May 11, 2008 at 12:26 pm

    Oh, this is a great thread!
    Upon being told, “Oh, baby, you feel so good,” by a young man who was in the process of revealing himself to be a profoundly unskilled lover, I practically had to bite my tongue to avoid replying, “Um, actually, not so much.”

  20. Anonymous
    May 11, 2008 at 2:06 pm

    A drunken hook-up, while coming up for air said :
    “You know how black people love friend chicken? That’s how I feel about pussy.”
    … yeah….

  21. hedgehog
    May 12, 2008 at 11:03 am

    Wasn’t funny, but probably the worst thing ever to be said to me in bed:
    “I always thought my type was short, skinny, well-dressed girls, it’s so amazing that it feels so good with you…”
    Guess it was meant to be a compliment :s

  22. Jenny
    May 12, 2008 at 12:41 pm

    The first guy I ever saw naked, for real, in a sexual situation, up close…..stood like superman with his hands on his hips and his feet spread apart, totally naked, with an erection, and told me to tell him he was big. Still cracks me up.

  23. Elizabeth
    May 12, 2008 at 11:38 pm

    “Explore my body as I explore yours”
    &
    “I want to give you soft pleasure” (he was from Austria)

  24. B
    May 13, 2008 at 2:14 am

    What is not cool is calling it “making whoopie”.
    So horrifically…awful.
    And perhaps a deal breaker..
    Sigh.

  25. Dave
    May 13, 2008 at 11:22 pm

    A guy I knew in college had a regular friend with benefits. She had just finished blowing him and he wanted to say something appropriately grateful, and simultaneously funny. Unfortunately he said, “That’ll do, pig.” (from the movie Babe.) It did not go over well.

  26. Dave
    May 13, 2008 at 11:23 pm

    A guy I knew in college had a regular friend with benefits. She had just finished blowing him and he wanted to say something appropriately grateful, and simultaneously funny. Unfortunately he said, “That’ll do, pig.” (from the movie Babe.) It did not go over well.

  27. CoraJ
    May 21, 2008 at 9:52 pm

    OMG!!!! I don’t think I stopped laughing for the last half hour! “That’ll do, pig.” LMAO!!!!
    The worst thing I was ever told:
    “I’m better than the last guy, right?”
    Umm…do you really wanna know????

  28. glamtastic
    June 8, 2008 at 7:31 am

    Well, I’m in the military, so we call physical training, pt, so in the middle of sex, I said “hey, I have pt.” and he was like “This is your pt and it’s not like you do much anyways.”
    Oh and one time when I was really wasted, I told him that I got drunk for him and I cared so much about him and then I vomitted on him… surprisingly he didn’t break up with me then but 2 months later

  29. Allison
    July 3, 2008 at 11:53 pm

    “How many newborn babies did you flay to get skin this soft?”
    Weird, someone said that to me too, haha.
    Nothing as funny as the rest from me–the worst I can think of is after simultaneously and extremely awkwardly losing our virginity (to each other, obviously) my boyfriend at the time said something along the lines of, “Well, that’ll be a story to tell our grandkids.”

  30. Anonymous
    July 14, 2008 at 12:36 am

    The last guy I was with (a year ago) scarred me for what might be forever…
    I’m a “bigger” girl, and DURING sex, he says…
    “you sure spread alot when you lay down…”
    yeah….
    haven’t been naked since…

  31. Joe
    July 30, 2008 at 3:50 am

    One of my exboyfriends and I were idoing the preliminary fooling around, and I was playing with his erection. He looks at me and says “no… use your feet”
    Yeah… fuck that.

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