A friend of mine broke up with her very long term boyfriend about a year ago, and has, ever since, resisted strongly the idea of dating, or hooking up, or flirting, or even looking directly into the eyes of an eligible male of the opposite sex. She was hurt, badly, she was left with her self-esteem in crumbles and I could kill him, and she is afraid of the dating scene because she’s been out of it so long, she has no idea what one is supposed to do, nowadays. Whither the sock hops and soda counters? Are her bobby socks too outré? She has been thinking she is too old for this bullshit, but, she told me, she was also getting to the point where she wants to meet someone.
This should be easy for her–she is very beautiful; she garners attention whenever she goes out, in a way that makes her uncomfortable. Drinks bought, elbows on the bar next to her, waggly eyebrows and smarmy don’t-I-know-yous. Sucky stuff. One night, though, she was waiting for friends at the bar, and the guy next to her asked her about her cocktail, suggested she try another, with similar flavors, remarked that he was working his way through a book of cocktails as a hobby and was also in a band, and his favorite holiday was Halloween, and his favorite book was her favorite book, too, and they were having a pleasant conversation, and she thinks he might have even been cute. He kept buying her drinks. He was TOTALLY CUTE. He suggested they go back to his place for infused vodka. That sounded like A GREAT IDEA (note: she knows it really wasn’t).
They wobbled back to his place. Like a gentleman, he took her arm and ushered her up the stairs. She
sat on his couch. He poured her a glass of (remarkably terrible) infused vodka that she set down quickly, and they
chatted. He got closer on the couch, leaned down slowly, and he kissed her. WITH HIS TEETH.
He gnawed on her face, and she turned her head away, and he gnawed on
her ear for awhile and she sort of looked across the room at his family
photos and wondered how to extract herself politely.
He pulled back, and looked deeply into her eyes. He said, “I’ve had the
craziest thought, all night.” She looked back at him. Was he going to
confess his love? “What?” she said. “No, no, I can’t tell you,” he
said, blushing and looking away. “You have to, now!” she said. And he
nuzzled her neck and whispered wetly into her ear, “I spent the whole
night thinking about you sucking my cock.”
“Oh!” she said. “Well, you know. I’m going to go, now. Home.” And amidst his protests, she clattered down the stairs and into the night, and took a cab home and climbed under the covers and cried a little bit. So that was a really great way to sort of ease back into the “dating
scene,” as it were. She is just going to stay inside and eat a lot of
What’s the worst hookup you’ve ever had? And how about a hopeful, romantic story full of happiness that I can pass along, huh?