naked: worser than the worst hookup ever

a good hookup.JPG
A friend of mine broke up with her very long term boyfriend about a year ago, and has, ever since, resisted strongly the idea of dating, or hooking up, or flirting, or even looking directly into the eyes of an eligible male of the opposite sex. She was hurt, badly, she was left with her self-esteem in crumbles and I could kill him, and she is afraid of the dating scene because she’s been out of it so long, she has no idea what one is supposed to do, nowadays. Whither the sock hops and soda counters? Are her bobby socks too outrĂ©? She has been thinking she is too old for this bullshit, but, she told me, she was also getting to the point where she wants to meet someone.

This should be easy for her–she is very beautiful; she garners attention whenever she goes out, in a way that makes her uncomfortable. Drinks bought, elbows on the bar next to her, waggly eyebrows and smarmy don’t-I-know-yous. Sucky stuff. One night, though, she was waiting for friends at the bar, and the guy next to her asked her about her cocktail, suggested she try another, with similar flavors, remarked that he was working his way through a book of cocktails as a hobby and was also in a band, and his favorite holiday was Halloween, and his favorite book was her favorite book, too, and they were having a pleasant conversation, and she thinks he might have even been cute. He kept buying her drinks. He was TOTALLY CUTE. He suggested they go back to his place for infused vodka. That sounded like A GREAT IDEA (note: she knows it really wasn’t).



They wobbled back to his place. Like a gentleman, he took her arm and ushered her up the stairs. She
sat on his couch. He poured her a glass of (remarkably terrible) infused vodka that she set down quickly, and they
chatted. He got closer on the couch, leaned down slowly, and he kissed her. WITH HIS TEETH.
He gnawed on her face, and she turned her head away, and he gnawed on
her ear for awhile and she sort of looked across the room at his family
photos and wondered how to extract herself politely.

He pulled back, and looked deeply into her eyes. He said, “I’ve had the
craziest thought, all night.” She looked back at him. Was he going to
confess his love? “What?” she said. “No, no, I can’t tell you,” he
said, blushing and looking away. “You have to, now!” she said. And he
nuzzled her neck and whispered wetly into her ear, “I spent the whole
night thinking about you sucking my cock.”

“Oh!” she said. “Well, you know. I’m going to go, now. Home.” And amidst his protests, she clattered down the stairs and into the night, and took a cab home and climbed under the covers and cried a little bit. So that was a really great way to sort of ease back into the “dating
scene,” as it were. She is just going to stay inside and eat a lot of
cake.  

What’s the worst hookup you’ve ever had? And how about a hopeful, romantic story full of happiness that I can pass along, huh?

  17 comments for “naked: worser than the worst hookup ever

  1. May 27, 2008 at 12:34 pm

    My current BF looks like an ex that treated me horribly. I had to move past the similarities in order to be with someone fantastic. There really are some ridiculous males in the world (as there is also ridiculous females) but if she stops looking and just enjoys her life she’ll probably find one falls into her lap.

  2. May 27, 2008 at 12:56 pm

    I don’t want this to come across as pious, because I’m far from being any kind of saint, and besides, it’s not as if I actually had a whole lot of choice in the matter, but I’ve never “hooked up.” I’ve dated exactly one guy in my entire life, who I met when I was 31, and was so awesome that I married him. I sometimes wonder what I missed by never really being part of the dating scene, but I gotta say, stories like this one make me pretty content with the way things turned out.

  3. Anonymous
    May 27, 2008 at 1:13 pm

    Bah! Your friend’s just you garden variety tease! What did she think he wanted? What’s wrong with sucking cock? It’s entirely her fault for choosing a wrong man before and then staying with him so long that now she has no idea what’s going on now!
    Not to make every subject about me, but I had a similar experience recently. After stopping by my neighbor’s for a night-cap, chatting and then making out, she freaked out when I suggested we go to bed, together. It was six in the morning! She recently got out of a nine year relationship, and was open to the idea of dating, even dating me. But even though I followed up on that night, damage was done.

  4. Em & Lo
    May 27, 2008 at 1:40 pm

    Oh man, this cracked us up and made us cry at the same time. Poor thing.

  5. Em & Lo
    May 27, 2008 at 1:40 pm

    Oh man, this cracked us up and made us cry at the same time. Poor thing.

  6. Em & Lo
    May 27, 2008 at 1:40 pm

    Oh man, this cracked us up and made us cry at the same time. Poor thing.

  7. Em & Lo
    May 27, 2008 at 1:40 pm

    Oh man, this cracked us up and made us cry at the same time. Poor thing.

  8. Cassandra
    May 27, 2008 at 2:07 pm

    Wow. That is terrible. Why do some men think it’s okay to say things like that to complete strangers?

  9. Jae
    May 27, 2008 at 2:27 pm

    Why do some men think it’s okay to say things like that to complete strangers?
    Possibly because he’s watched one too many pornos where this statement is followed up with some deepthroating or something.

  10. Beth
    May 27, 2008 at 2:45 pm

    Wow. That is terrible. Why do some men think it’s okay to say things like that to complete strangers?
    Well, to be fair, she did ask. ;)
    Yeah, I’ve been lucky to not have to deal with that, I’m usually the girl who ends up being the only one of the group NOT to get picked up on at the end of the night. Oh well, if that’s what happens, I’m not going to feel too badly about it.
    As a general rule guys don’t really start to be into me until they get to know me a bit, so my stories tend to be more “and then we made out and couldn’t really be friends the same way again.” Which is a bummer in a different way.

  11. Beth
    May 27, 2008 at 3:20 pm

    Oh man there are no words.
    I have to admit, I’ve never been in a situation like that. I tend to be pretty intimidating to men in general and so the only ones that aren’t afraid to approach me are the ones that should probably be in prison. So there’s no chance for them at ALL. I certainly wouldn’t go home with a guy I’d just met at a bar. I have serious safety issues. When I was doing online dating I used to tell two friends where I’d be and to call 911 if I hadn’t called them to tell them I’d gotten home safely by 1am. And no, nothing bad has ever happened to me. I’m just extremely cautious.
    My only advice to your friends is go on a lot of dates. As many as possible. I haven’t had any luck, but I figure, the more dates you go on. The more likely you are to meet someone nice.

  12. May 27, 2008 at 7:09 pm

    I recently went on a blind date…walking around a local lake…and we passed some pull up bars.
    I mentioned how I could never do any of them. Even though my upper body strength is better now than ever…and he said:
    “That usually means one of 2 things.
    1. you need to lose weight
    or
    2. You need to work on your upper body strength.
    Since I had just mentioned that I have more strength than I ever have had I assume he meant #1
    I have recently lost 120lbs…so I just smiled and said good riddance when we parted.
    did I mention I lift weights? Oh yes…and apparently his “workout” consists of 30 minute aerobics classes…what a man.

  13. Marissa
    May 27, 2008 at 7:10 pm

    Oh..ha…and we did NOT hookup….but man was that terrible…

  14. May 28, 2008 at 12:31 am

    Haha. Well, she kept on hinting on it. And I thought I was slow-playing my aces! It was her idea to start making out.
    Aside: That night, while we briefly went to my place to get more booze, I lent her my second copy (second copy,- I had to give my first copy to a friend-in-need months earlier,) of Buh Bye. I had to go and fetch-it-on-back couple of days later!
    Again, keep up the good work!

  15. Lynette
    May 28, 2008 at 10:17 am

    For the romantics:
    My husband and I met on the Internet when it was still in it’s infancy (1993) and knew all about each other before we even met face to face. He was everything I wanted in a guy–intelligence, a sense of humor, a nice ass and gorgeous blue eyes.
    On November 27, 1993, he proposed to me in the Chateau du Chillon in Montreux, Switzerland, on one knee, between groups of Japanese tourists. He wrote a poem on the way up on the train (which we lost and can’t remember) and when we returned to his apartment, he called my sister and asked her permission to marry me (since my parents had both passed away. ) Two years later, when he was back in the states, we got married.
    He made up for all the creepy, crappy guys I’d dated and made me believe in a happily ever-after.
    Unfortunately, I lost David on April 6 to a heart attack but we had almost 15 great years together. I just wish that we could have had 15 more…

  16. Anne
    May 28, 2008 at 11:15 am

    I’m so, so sorry, Lynette. Thank you for the story.

  17. Jen
    June 2, 2008 at 9:41 am

    Personally, I think the “stay home and eat a lot of cake” part of this story is the most disturbing. Sure, the guy was weird, and drunk, and disgusting. But if she just wrote him off as “Ok, that guy is weird and drunk and creepy and I think it’s probably best not to visit people’s homes until I know them a little better,” she wouldn’t be thinking “I’m just going to stay home and eat a lot of cake.” She’d be thinking, “Whoa, what a crazy guy. I bet he doesn’t get a lot of second dates.” The stay home and eat a lot of cake idea suggests that she’s thinking “I’m a loser and no one is ever going to care about me, and they probably shouldn’t, so best to stay home and eat lots of cake.”
    Whatever flaws she may have, she’s not responsible for his disgusting behavior. He’s the one with the problem. Either he’s a slimeball, or he is a basically nice guy who’s watched too many porn movies and doesn’t know how to behave in public, or he was just drunk to the point of absolute stupidity. Those are all his problems — nothing she should blame herself for, and certainly the way this story is framed, staying home and eating cake sounds like self-punishment of a sort, and she doesn’t deserve to do that.

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