naked: the noises your body makes

Kim, last week, was talking about the embarrassing moments we have in the gym, and unsurprisingly, a couple of those involved the noises our beautiful, natural, pain-in-the-ass bodies make. They’re terrible and embarrassing in public, but when you get private, when you’re naked, why does that seem so much worse?

That noise that sweaty skin makes, when it sticks to other sweaty skin
and then you pull away quickly–kind of a sucking, farty noise. Your
vagina, plus lubrication, equals interesting squeaks and plurks and
thbbbts. Your belly rumbles, your thighs or your belly or your breasts
slap, your sounds of pleasure aren’t professional-grade, your hot, wet
mouth on your lover’s body can suddenly sound slurpy and weird and god,
sometimes, it is enough to make you feel like you’ve ruined the moment
and possibly you have ruined everything. Like they are not just noises
that happen because, well, that’s what bodies do, because they are
wonderfully rude and uncouth, but gross noises because you are gross. You take responsibility for sounding ridiculous, and you’re embarrassed.

here’s a hell of a thing: 12-year-old boys are right. The 12-year-old boys know that fart noises are hilarious. That it’s funny
because that’s what all bodies do, everywhere, and at the worst times
imaginable, and we might as well relax to it, and laugh our heads off.
But that is, as always, easier said than done. Does it help to know
that it happens to everyone, everywhere, at the worst times imaginable?
That it’s not because you’re particularly weird and you’re not
monstrous? That is really is ridiculous, the noises our bodies come up
with, and undignified, and who needs dignity, anyway? It is overrated.
Let’s not let the 12-year-old boys be smarter about this stuff, our
bodies, than we are.

3 Replies to “naked: the noises your body makes”

  1. Wait you actually think about that stuff? I’ve heard of women being self-conscious about their looks, but you think about what you sound like? That can’t be normal.

  2. What girl DOESN’T think about what she sounds like? As well as what she looks like, smells like, tastes like and feels like? God forbid we have a human-like patch of dry skin or morning breath, you know… women are supposed to be PERFECT, fantasy material, all of the time. And if we ever fall short of that goal, including sounding less than perfect, well we are failures as human beings.

  3. I am very self-conscious about how I sound, because I am very sensitive to how other people sound. Sensitive, as in skirting neurosis.
    But then, I do spend a good part of my workday physically nauseated by the sound of the guy in the next cube, who is a symphony of disgusting noises–he smacks his food (and eats continuously), crunches his candy, cracks his gum, sucks his teeth, belches, farts, horks his sinuses, beats his hands together repeatedly to dust off crumbs, and hums tunelessly under his breath. I end up feeling too paranoid to eat a cracker in public, for fear of being as sickening to be around as he.

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