naked: the sexiest thing in the world

There’s a picture of my boyfriend and I, on his desk at work, from the first time we ever met. In the photo, I am sitting on his lap, grinning like a loon at the camera, because I am sitting on his lap. And he is looking up at me with this look on his face, this perfectly ravenous, smitten look that I still remember, that makes my belly still jump a little bit when I think about it. I remember how incredibly sexy it made me feel, how hot and desirable and unconquerable–though I did want to be conquered, but good.

I love that picture. The thing that gets me about that picture, now, is the fact that I’m a good 65 pounds heavier, there. I was about 200 pounds, when I met my boyfriend for the first time. At 200 pounds, you’re not supposed to feel like a sex goddess. You’re supposed to be ashamed of your weight and afraid of your body and convinced that no one will ever love you or worship your soft and beautiful naked flesh. I only remember flirting with him, unabashedly, unashamedly, and reveling in his interest. I knew he wanted me, and I wasn’t afraid to show him how much I wanted him. He told me I was gorgeous. But you know, I felt gorgeous before he ever said a word to me. I walked into that room feeling beautiful.

I wish I knew where it came from.



He’s told me that the sexiest thing about me that night wasn’t my
excellent dress, or my fabulous tits or the way I moved or smiled or
laughed or teased him–it was my confidence. Which I guess is a
combination of all those things, isn’t it. He said to me, you were
yourself.

I was fully and completely who I was, and how I was,
and it was wonderful. That kind of confidence is magnetic and it is
magnetizing, and makes people wonder if they want you or want to be
you, or both. You can do anything, or anyone, because you light up a
room and light everyone’s loins on fire and that is such a powerful
feeling. It is pyromania. It is magical. I want it back. I wish I knew
where it went.

  6 comments for “naked: the sexiest thing in the world

  1. Electropoptart
    July 1, 2008 at 4:50 pm

    I know the feeling. All my friends tell me that I have such a great presence, such great confidence, geez you light up the room! But my partner sees the real side of me. The one that is insecure about his body, the one that is scared he won’t be accepted, the one that is constantly thinking what everyone else thinks of him. It’s so crazy how the outside can so different from the inside.

  2. Jen
    July 1, 2008 at 9:55 pm

    If you find it, buy me some — I’ll pay you back, promise.

  3. July 2, 2008 at 10:28 am

    That pic sounds incredible! Save it for your wedding collage someday! :)
    I can so relate. My husband fell in love with me when I was much heavier, too, and, oddly, more confident. Though I am personally happier now being thinner and have been struggling with body image issues, I know he’d love me no matter what…and that that confidence is somewhere in me, and just needs to come out!
    You have an awesome guy–he sees your confidence, loves you and wants you unconditionally. :) That’s the way it should be!

  4. M.
    July 2, 2008 at 11:19 am

    I doubt it’s gone… it’s merely on a leave of absence.
    So I read this wacky and gruesome article about itching and phantom limbs and the like (I followed the link from the article here: http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/06/27/an-itch-that-will-leave-you-scratching-your-head/ ). The part that was so fascinating was when they talked about your brain making a “best possible approximation” for what you feel, like if there’s itching when the skin is totally numb, feeling like your lip is HUGE when you get a shot of novocaine at the dentist, etc. There was one guy who felt like his nonexistent hand was humongous, and it went away – get this – when he stood with a mirror along his body so he could see one side perfectly reflected as his other side. (He’s now using this technique as therapy and the weird sensations go away when he does it.)
    …I swear I was going somewhere with this…
    You were used to yourself at 200 lbs. You spent a hell of a time with that body, so you were comfortable with it. You might not feel like your nonexistant 65 lbs itch, or your midsection is mysteriously the size of the Hindenburg, but it’s gotta be weird! You lost that weight really fast. It took me 3 months of really hard work to drop 15 pounds. During that time, I was lifting, running, rowing, stretching, doing situps, fencing, swimming, and every day adjusting to the changes. That’s got to be so different from what you went through. I’m obviously not saying what you did was bad, because it’s clearly been astoundingly great. Just you’ve got to give your brain time to adjust! Through some – if not most – of that weight loss, you were recovering from surgery and likely feeling crappy. The more you live in your new body and the more you use it and take it through its paces, I’m going to bet the more normal it’ll feel, and you’ll gradually stop thinking about it, and it’ll slowly creep up on you until one morning it’ll dawn on you that everything is ok.
    (According to your profile, you’ve lost 180 pounds. At the fastest possible “acceptable” weight loss speed, you could have theoretically lost all that in ~90 weeks. That’s almost 2 years!! Give yourself a break, woman! :)

  5. Alyssa
    July 2, 2008 at 1:15 pm

    It’s interesting; when I met my husband I was 30 pounds lighter, but in the throes of an ED and neurotic as the day is long. I am MUCH happier (and healthier) now, and my husband LOVES how I look. We have been through A LOT together (golly, I’m using SO MANY CAPITAL LETTERS!!!!) and it has definitely brought us closer. I go through moments of lamenting my 39 year-old, given birth to and nursed 2 children body, but when I think of how I was those many years ago, I’m glad for the changes in my life.
    That confident woman is still there, inside you. She just needs some coaxing to come out! And it’s OK to give her rest every once in a while!

  6. bridgett
    July 2, 2008 at 1:37 pm

    we’d love to see that picture!

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