naked: dealbreakers

Dealbreakers are heartbreaking. Having to end a relationship, a long, generally happy, overall good relationship in which you are otherwise compatible, otherwise perfect for one another, otherwise ready to compromise on all the things you have to compromise on when you’re in a relationship, having it all come down to a single sticking point on which neither of you want to budge, or maybe from which neither of you can budge. It seems like a terrible joke, a brutally unfair way for the world to be. It feels like a story with an unhappy endings, and we all know, instinctively, that stories with love in them should have happy endings.

Dealbreakers are rough, and they’re final. You don’t want to call something a dealbreaker, because that means everything has to change. You don’t want to call something a dealbreaker because that could be overstating things, it could be overreacting, why, things could totally get better! But some things need to be dealbreakers. Some things make me want to shake people and shout: If your sweetheart does not adore every inch of your body, from your hairy toes to your oily scalp, there’s a problem there. I want to say please, look at yourself and see how gorgeous you are. And now look at your sweetheart–do they know how gorgeous you are?



You deserve to say well, no, of course life isn’t perfect and sometimes
we’re tired and it’s been a long week and sometimes, someone is not in
the mood, but I deserve to be lusted after, desired, thought of as the
living embodiment of sexual healing. My body is worth your time and
attention, and my body is worth all the heartache to draw that line and
say no, this is what I need, and if I can’t get it here, this is where
I leave and everything hurts horribly, but what are you doing to
yourself, staying, slowly internalizing the idea that you’re not
desirable enough–when does it become the idea that you’re ugly, that
you’re broken, that if you looked like some imaginary ideal then maybe
things would be okay? It gets there eventually, and it is insidious and
it is so wrong.

Breakups suck. I’m willing to argue, though, that some things suck worse. What are your dealbreakers?

  15 comments for “naked: dealbreakers

  1. Punchy
    August 26, 2008 at 5:40 pm

    Substance abuse problems are it for me. And to be honest I enjoy a recreational drug every now and again but I will never babysit an addict again.

  2. August 26, 2008 at 5:56 pm

    I immediately thought, oh, that’s easy, it’s smoking for me. But then I read what Punchy said, and now I have to agree.

    I guess it’s clear that I don’t enjoy any recreational drugs, because the thought never crossed my mind. The idea of someone enjoying the loss of control that comes with drugs? It’s completely against what I believe in.

  3. Anonymous
    August 26, 2008 at 5:58 pm

    My dealbreaker for my last boyfriend was when he sent pictures of his cock-a-doodle-doo to a woman in England. I never got a good reason out of him as to why he did it, but at that point, I didn’t care. The relationship had run it’s course anyway – this was just the cement needed to seal the deal.

  4. Katie
    August 26, 2008 at 10:15 pm

    smoking
    drug/alcohol abuse
    physical/emotional/sexual abuse
    dishonesty
    not wanting kids
    evangelical/extremist of any religion or school of thought

  5. Andrea
    August 26, 2008 at 10:22 pm

    You have no idea how much I needed to read this right now. I’m at a stage where I’m beginning to feel that I’m always going to be the friend but never the girlfriend or wife. I deserve better and I’m not going to settle for more than what I deserve. So, thanks.

    Oh! my deal breakers are illegal drug use of any kind, any kind of abuse, dishonesty, cheating and control issues.

  6. August 27, 2008 at 1:15 am

    Breakups are sooo hard. I agree though…everyone has deal breakers and you made the right decision. Here are my dealbreakers:
    -smoking, drug use, lack of care for their body and health in general, untrustworthy, fake, stereotypical, selfishness. Any guy that doesn’t love you for who you are…

    Good guys are hard to come by. Let’s just say that!

  7. August 27, 2008 at 1:59 am

    I just had a messy, nasty break up. Aside from any kind of drug/alcohol abuse issues, my top deal breakers are lying and cheating.

    How dare you put my life and health at risk by cheating on me?!?

    sorry.. I never got the chance to scream that in his face.

  8. ghhhg
    August 27, 2008 at 7:54 am

    mostly all of the above that all the other ladies said…plus one big one:
    GAMBLING addiction

  9. Anonymous
    August 27, 2008 at 7:55 am

    besides the obvious ones, smoking and any guy that is verbally abusive. the saying “you marry like your father” absolutely terrifies me to my core

  10. M.
    August 27, 2008 at 10:05 am

    Cheating, lying, disrespect, drugs, messed up in the head about sex, lots of hard and fast rules, and any addictions to questionable substances.

    Oh, and hardcore bondage (i.e., choking games) are right out.

  11. stlwtr
    August 27, 2008 at 11:53 am

    All the above of course, but….needy?..constant, clingy, oh god please love me, fix me, make me whole, neediness….that just makes everything I feel for a person dry up inside. I want to feel wanted not desperately needed.

  12. August 27, 2008 at 12:15 pm

    Cheating…abuse…lying…serious codependency…substance abuse…extremism of thought (not just religious)…and, God help me, serious mental illness in someone I am casually dating. I would walk through hell and back with my husband, but I dealt with seriously mentally ill boyfriends in high school and college and vowed never to put myself through that again with someone who wasn’t a part of my soul.

  13. Dee
    August 27, 2008 at 1:59 pm

    I’ve had two serious long-term relationships in my 37 years (I don’t date much…lol!). They both ended over a dealbreaker. The first dealbreaker was I wasn’t being treated like or appreciated for the goddess I am. The second was substance abuse. I have to say having to break a relationship with an addict was one of the most gut-wrenching and saddest experiences I’ve ever had. I learned my lesson though as I will never get involved with a “recovering” addict again. I don’t think I’ll be good at any relationship until I truly love myself — and that’s a work in progress.

  14. alice
    August 27, 2008 at 2:01 pm

    meanness
    intolerance
    fundamentalism
    an unwillingness to treat an illness, either physical or mental (i.e. I don’t want to be a caregiver because you refuse to take care of yourself – being a caretaker when life throws that at you is something different)
    disrespect

    yeah – dealbreakers suck. I used to try and minimize this list, because I didn’t want to exclude someone who was great! But pretending that a dealbreaker is just a minor disagreement is just prolonging the pain for all involved.

  15. Anonymous
    August 27, 2008 at 9:05 pm

    When you can sit across from each other over brunch and not speak or touch throughout the meal, it’s over.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *