A friend sent me a link to a ridiculous sex board game–you get naked, presumably, and then you play Sexy Truth or Dare with questions and dares that are sexy; somehow there is a board and cards involved and the whole thing sounds a little too involved to me. In the first place, and in the second place, how do you look someone in the eye and say “Hey! let’s play Sexy Truth or Dare!” without immediately bursting into flames and dying of the ridiculous embarrassment of it all?
I understand the idea behind it: it’s supposed to reinvigorate a limp and flailing sex life, or add a touch of adventure and spice to your naked happy fun time. It’s supposed to give you new things to do with your partner, open new doors in sexual exploration, learn a little bit more about each other, be adventurous and fun. The popular magazine parlance is, I believe, “Spice things up!” With the exclamation point. But I can’t do it.
At first, I thought, well, maybe it’s just the board
game/fingerpainting kit/harness set thing that gets me. Maybe I am the
type of woman who would enjoy those Sexy Sex Tips and Tricks to Spice
Up Your Relationship! kinds of articles in the magazines. The kind of
woman who ought to be greeting her lover at the door holding an
ice-cold Sapphire martini and wearing nothing but Saran Wrap. Maybe I
ought to be leaving a trail of rose petals to a bubble bath; sending
videos of myself masturbating to my sweetheart at work; balling my
fragrant panties up and stuffing them in his jeans pocket, to find at
lunch time when he goes to pull out his wallet in front of half his
coworkers! The whole idea just curdles my blood, honestly.
This makes me sad. I think that I’m an adventurous person, and that I
am good at communicating in bed, in talking about what I want and
desire and what he wants and desires and what we want and also desire.
I think we’re good at keeping things interesting (in fact, fascinating,
usually) and I think that I love to be a little crazy and I love to
experiment and I’m always up for it, but the idea of surprising him
with one of those “Wild Sex Tips and Tricks” that you read about in a
magazine, it makes me want to curl into a little ball and never make
eye contact with myself again.
I think a lot of it is that most of those “Tips and Tricks” are flat-out
ridiculous and completely cheesy and lame. But upon careful,
soul-searching consideration, I’m also pretty sure it is this: that is
an awful lot of trust you’re putting out there. That is a whole lot of
just flat-out putting yourself out there, taking a major chance,
whether you’re in a new relationship or a marriage of 40 years.
You’re putting yourself on the line, and it takes so much bravery and
so much confidence: I turn you on. The things I do, they’re going to
turn you on. You’re not going to be standing there blinking at me when
I come at you wearing a chocolate syrup bikini, and then maybe laugh;
instead, you will be overcome with desire! It seems so easy and simple
and fun, but to tell you the truth, it feels more like a terrifying
risk, like leaving yourself terribly vulnerable.
Have you ever shown up at a lover’s house only wearing a trench coat?
Left dirty notes in their pocket, or given road head, or even pulled
out a sexy board game? Is it the best thing ever, and I am missing out?
Talk to me about being vulnerable and taking risks–or if you’re braver
than me, what’s your favorite surprise?