naked: how ridiculous is too ridiculous?

A friend sent me a link to a ridiculous sex board game–you get naked, presumably, and then you play Sexy Truth or Dare with questions and dares that are sexy; somehow there is a board and cards involved and the whole thing sounds a little too involved to me. In the first place, and in the second place, how do you look someone in the eye and say “Hey! let’s play Sexy Truth or Dare!” without immediately bursting into flames and dying of the ridiculous embarrassment of it all?

I understand the idea behind it: it’s supposed to reinvigorate a limp and flailing sex life, or add a touch of adventure and spice to your naked happy fun time. It’s supposed to give you new things to do with your partner, open new doors in sexual exploration, learn a little bit more about each other, be adventurous and fun. The popular magazine parlance is, I believe, “Spice things up!” With the exclamation point. But I can’t do it.

At first, I thought, well, maybe it’s just the board
game/fingerpainting kit/harness set thing that gets me. Maybe I am the
type of woman who would enjoy those Sexy Sex Tips and Tricks to Spice
Up Your Relationship!
kinds of articles in the magazines. The kind of
woman who ought to be greeting her lover at the door holding an
ice-cold Sapphire martini and wearing nothing but Saran Wrap. Maybe I
ought to be leaving a trail of rose petals to a bubble bath; sending
videos of myself masturbating to my sweetheart at work; balling my
fragrant panties up and stuffing them in his jeans pocket, to find at
lunch time when he goes to pull out his wallet in front of half his
coworkers! The whole idea just curdles my blood, honestly.

This makes me sad. I think that I’m an adventurous person, and that I
am good at communicating in bed, in talking about what I want and
desire and what he wants and desires and what we want and also desire.
I think we’re good at keeping things interesting (in fact, fascinating,
usually) and I think that I love to be a little crazy and I love to
experiment and I’m always up for it, but the idea of surprising him
with one of those “Wild Sex Tips and Tricks” that you read about in a
magazine, it makes me want to curl into a little ball and never make
eye contact with myself again.

I think a lot of it is that most of those “Tips and Tricks” are flat-out
ridiculous and completely cheesy and lame. But upon careful,
soul-searching consideration, I’m also pretty sure it is this: that is
an awful lot of trust you’re putting out there. That is a whole lot of
just flat-out putting yourself out there, taking a major chance,
whether you’re in a new relationship or a marriage of 40 years.
You’re putting yourself on the line, and it takes so much bravery and
so much confidence: I turn you on. The things I do, they’re going to
turn you on. You’re not going to be standing there blinking at me when
I come at you wearing a chocolate syrup bikini, and then maybe laugh;
instead, you will be overcome with desire!
It seems so easy and simple
and fun, but to tell you the truth, it feels more like a terrifying
risk, like leaving yourself terribly vulnerable.

Have you ever shown up at a lover’s house only wearing a trench coat?
Left dirty notes in their pocket, or given road head, or even pulled
out a sexy board game? Is it the best thing ever, and I am missing out?
Talk to me about being vulnerable and taking risks–or if you’re braver
than me, what’s your favorite surprise?

9 Replies to “naked: how ridiculous is too ridiculous?”

  1. I have shown up at a boyfriend’s house naked under a coat. I have greeted him at my place in a sexy secretary outfit. Etc. However, his favorite and most-fantasized-about memory? The time we ate dinner in the living room while watching TV and I just randomly jumped him afterward. ::shrugs:: I think that all that crazy seduction stuff is probably pressure on them, too– they have to be turned on immediately or our feelings will be hurt. It sets up a lot of expectations on both sides. In the end, simpler is best. :-)

    (And those magazines you speak of have their place; if you notice, when they have real guys writing in about ‘Man I’ll never forget the time she…’ it’s usually a ‘Yeah, I’ve done that’ reaction rather than the crazy ideas the magazine puts forth: ‘You want me to email him WHAT at work?!’) lol

  2. Well, I got a ticket from a cop who was genuinely disappointed that I wasn’t getting raped when I was on the receiving end of some particularly enjoyable oral sex in the back of my car. The other party and myself were both COMPLETELY NAKED. It put me off sex in public places possibly forever (which previously I had genuinely enjoyed). And the individual I had to deal with when resolving said ticket the following weekend…? I had gone to high school and played in the band with him. I have never fully gotten over it.

    The whole thing was completely mortifying. Hilarious, absolutely, but awful. And I HATE those magazines. It might be b/c they’re so… contrived, y’know? It’s like ‘now we are going to have dirty hot sexy nasty sex because I’m trying this Cosmo-approved how-to-keep-your-man-from-cheating-because-all-i-am-is-a-life-support-system-for-a-vagina move and you will like it because Cosmo said so, and it’s like, so totally my, like, bible.’

    Berries and whipped cream always struck me as a nice transition from dinner to dessert to wanton nudity… and then a second time in the shower because you’re all sticky from the whipped cream and berries…

  3. I dressed up for my husband once – I made a bikini out of floppy disks (tells you how long ago this was). It was supposed to be a funny joke about how much technology turns him on, so therefore I’d be sexy in the floppy disks.

    He laughed at me. Not with me, AT me. I went to the bathroom and cried.

    We still struggle with our sex life. He’s only interested about once a month or once every two months. All those magazines make me angry – not EVERYBODY’S man is thinking about sex all the time. Mine could care less, but “services” me occasionally for the sake of our marriage.

    And no, he’s not gay – just not interested. Funny how in women that would be ok, but in men it’s not.

  4. Honest to god, the very existence of this board game sort of makes me die inside a little bit. I am plenty adventurous, and all, but this sort of thing makes me cringe.

  5. I would just be extremely happy to be able to orgasm with my Husnband of 8 years rather than my hand.

    I have been able to with ONE guy out of 30 and it’s not this one and he (the one I could go with)beat me severely.

    Nevermind the games, God, I’m praying for a miracle!

  6. I like to tease my boyfriend when we’re driving places together. If we’re on a crowded highway I’ll just use my hand to rub his crotch inconspicuously. If it’s dark, or we’re on an empty back road, it occasionally leads to some good ol’ fashion road head. The best was road head on the way to a huge family function…we both needed a moment or two to calm down before we went inside!

  7. I have a simple phrase when it comes to this kind of fancy sex stuff:

    vanilla ice cream

    I love ‘plain old vanilla!’ it’s delicious and fun, I don’t spend hours on a strategy, and it rocks my world every single time. And the husband of 15+ years? he loves vanilla ice cream too.

    thank God!

  8. Oh god, I feel so old.

    I do remember some wild stuff (and no, NOT going to go into details) when first getting together with various lovers. But when someone is new and everything about the sex is hot, then you don’t feel so self conscious and experimentation is fun.

    After 17 years with the same loving partner–well the emotions deepen but the desire to do wild or weird or gimmicky things pretty much fades away, at least for me. These days watching Swingtown is our idea of a wild night. And you know what? That suits me just fine.

  9. Whenever we go on long drives he ALWAYS gets road-head its fun for both of us and usually ends up with him turning off the road and we do some good ol’ fashion backseat nookie. A couple of time before and after family gatherings we pull off the road to let out some frustrations/stress (thank god for whoever invented tinted windows) but we like trying different places i.e. outside hood ofthe car (aww man this is the best if itss slightly chilliy outside and u have a non suv you lay on the hood and u can grab above u by the windsheild wipers and the feel of the warm hood on your back and the chill on your front and the hood has the perfect amount of slope for him to have easy access) I think that is the best way…

    Damn now I wanna go home to my hubby

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