There are many hot spots on our bodies–the places that women traditionally worry about, so much so that they’ve become clichÃ©s. We worry about our breasts: that they’re not firm enough, large enough, that they’re too large, that they’re too saggy. We worry about our stomachs: that they’re too round, too poochy, too hangy, too flubby, too lumpy. We panic about our thighs, and think they’re too wide, too thick, too flabby. Our butts are sources of unease, because they might be too big, too wide, not tight enough, not cute enough in jeans.
Traditionally, these are the parts of our bodies we try to hide in bed. Artful draping of the sheets, positioning of our arms, suggestions for positions of our entire bodies. We switch off the light so no one can see that one, terrible, dangerous, vulnerable part of our body that will immediately kill the lust of our partner, if they were to see it in full light, not at its most flattering angle, and have them hopping into their pants and out the door.
That’s bad enough. Then the fact that we’re told that sexy women have visible hipbones, prominent clavicles, and most recently, bony shoulders: more to worry about! How does the light play on your whole
torso, when you are naked in bed? Are you hollowed out enough? Do you
have to hug a pillow to your chest? Wrap yourself in a sheet and refuse
to come out because you’re that much more wrong?
But we can’t stop there! Your arms, people. Have you ever really
thought about your arms? How unsightly actual flesh covering your bones
is? I bet you haven’t, but FLABuLESS certainly has. And that’s why
they’ve introduced the world’s first hosiery for arms. They tell us:
Our exclusive compression sleeve is infused with copper ion technology
that not only streamlines your curves, but also improves the appearance
of your skin, creating a healthy glow and minimizing the appearance of
fine lines and wrinkles. These ions also serve as a protective barrier
that eliminates odor-causing bacteria before it starts.
And I am so confused. How do these work? Do you wear them at night and
they magically tone so that you can wear strapless things and be naked
from the waist up and no longer be ashamed of your terrible arms? Or do
you wear them under clothes, like Spanx? Can you wear them on top of
your sexy lingerie?
These are completely hilarious, completely ridiculous and lame. The
whole concept of arm hosiery is so obviously retarded. And yet, it
makes me angry. We have enough body image triggers, don’t we? Enough
reasons to be worried about how we look naked, to make us hesitate and
be shy and want to hide. It is more than enough, without adding one
more thing to worry about on the pile. But what makes me angry is that
it feels like we’re being preyed upon, taken advantage of, our
vulnerabilities poked at and leveraged. Standard procedure, sure. You
don’t need me to tell you not to buy into it.