I love my Wii, and I love things that are shiny, so I signed up to be alerted, via text message, when the Wii Fit would be in stock on Amazon. One bright afternoon last week, I finally caught the text just as it came in, texted back as fast as lightning, and the Wii Fit was mine! At-home fitness via happy fun times! I could work out in my underpants.
As soon as the sucker arrived, I hooked it up, plugged it in, synchronized the Wii Fit board, and climbed on top of it. As soon as it told me it was about to weigh me, I climbed off and stripped down, because I am not, in fact, to my great embarrassment, immune to a machine’s judgment. We got through that, and then I took a balance test (it did not ask me if I was drunk and have an inner ear disorder, but I sensed its dark thoughts), it gave me my Wii Age (old) and then asked me for my goals.
My goals? We can stand here and talk about my goals if you want,
machine. I have a lot of goals, and aspirations. I have many big
dreams. Someday, I’d like to–what? You mean a weight-related goal?
Goddamnit. I chose “maintain,” and I chose “two weeks,” and I finally
made it to the screen with all the available exercises, and I realized
that I didn’t actually want to do any of these. It didn’t seem fun,
anymore, the idea of getting some exercise in via a video game. It felt
kind of like I was being silently judged and found wanting. It felt
like the Nintendo could see me standing there, flabby and unbalanced,
in my underpants.
I pushed the balance board under my television
stand, and it’s sat there for a week now, waiting for me to climb back
on, to be scolded for not playing for so long, to get weighed again, to
perform aerobic feats before its critical gaze and be told that I have
aged in Nintendo years and what is wrong with me? Probably I’ll get
over my self-consciousness, and remember that I am not, in fact, being
actually judged. And then maybe I’ll even come to terms with the fact
that no matter how you package it, exercise for exercising’s sake just isn’t fun, okay? So get over it and get on it.