drinks tonight?

Last night I worked late, as one does…not so late, as these things go. I am sure I’m going to be working far, far later in the future, because that is how these things go. But it was dark when I walked down the front steps of my building, and it was already kind of late and I had missed my train, and I was feeling like I needed to relax a little bit before I headed home to do yet more work and it was cold and lovely and I was free and I had an incredibly strong impulse to pull out my cell phone and text hey! drinks? to–someone. I held my phone in my hand for a moment, and then I closed it and slid it back into my bag.

I’m slowly making friends here–the people from the writing center, they are hilarious and smart and I have a good time every time I see them, when I volunteer. The girlfriends of E’s friends, they are uniformly excellent when we all hang out. There are people at work that I have singled out for future BFFdom in the future, and am slowly building a relationship of trust and Smarties from our well-stocked, candy-filled kitchen.



But in all cases, it’s not quite at that spontaneous hey, we have got
to do something this evening, I am feeling wacky and the bar is calling
my name
level of friendship. I am barely able to bring myself to
suggest that we consider scheduling a time to plan to consider thinking
about possibly meeting up at a future date to enjoy communal activities
and bond as like-minded humans with shared and parallel goals. I am
shy! I hesitate to assume that anyone wants to be my friend
because–that is the way I roll. Hell, half the time I assume my
friends don’t want to be my friends! And believe me, that can cause
problems.

I am aware that in order to have a situation where one can whip out
a cell phone and dial up anyone on a contact list and shout things
about alcohol and happy-fun-excitement times, I have to work
toward it, build up a relationship, develop a happy-fun-excitement
friendship. I’m also aware that it takes a little time to do that,
effort on my part, a little luck on everyone’s part, good timing. I am
not going to suddenly and magically develop a network of friends who
will be my everything and everyone, but–why couldn’t I have it tonight,
huh?

I think of myself as a very introverted person, someone who is happy
alone, not afraid to be alone, who enjoys her alone time and needs
scads and scads of it. I’ve had a lot of alone time, these past ten
months, and all that no-pants-wearing–it was marvelous. But I’m ready
for balance, for nights of no pants, and other nights of–well, no pants
if the party goes the way a party ought to. My life has not been very
balanced at all, for awhile now, and I’m working my way back toward
the center of the beam. Slowly, surely. Some nights, though. I get a
little impatient.

  1 comment for “drinks tonight?

  1. anon
    October 15, 2008 at 2:13 pm

    Been there, sweetheart. Especially after my divorce, when I found myself suddenly alone and seemingly without any friends. And then, I don’t know, it really did seem like magic, I made new ones. Great ones. BFF ones. I know it wasn’t really magic, but I guess I reached out a bit past my comfort zone and took a few chances and I was lucky enough that that reaching out was to the right people at the right time and things fell into place.
    Wish I was close enough to readily respond to a texted “drinks?” from you! But that’d be a long flight for a martini.

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