halloween fail

My big plan for this Halloween was that I would be an Ewok. And not just any Ewok–I was going to go as Wicket W. Warrick, boyfriend of Princess Neesa who is the daughter of Chief Chirpa his ownself! Why would I go as Wickett instead of Princess Kneessa? Because Wicket is awesome, that’s why. He is my favorite Ewok. I would have been such a good Ewok, and this is because I have things like favorite Ewoks and was also willing to spend the entire night going “Yub nub!”  And totally sabotaging Empire soldiers and stuff. Also I have no dignity.

But an Ewok costume takes preparation and time and planning and a trip to the fabric store, and tracking down a big teddy bear, in order to murder it and wear its scalp, and big furry boots, and the headdress (and I had totally forgotten about the slingshot, but of course Wicket requires a slingshot!). I thought I had plenty of time and there were decades left before Halloween rolled around, but as I have noted elsewhere, time is flinging itself off a cliff to its death with wild abandon and Halloween in one week from today.

So I am left kind of scrambling. This weekend is the only time I have
got left, really, to assemble a costume that will just blow everyone’s
mind, except–I have no idea what I want to be. You’d think, after years
of being convinced that not being fat would mean that the world of
costumes would be open to me and additionally my oyster, that I would
be swimming through a sea of riches and had only to reach out my hand
to pluck a ripe and juicy brilliant idea like a plum–but I am stumped.
Stuck. And completely without clue.

No off-the-rack costumes. No sexy costumes. Personal humiliation: a-OK!
Fast and inexpensive, but probably not a sheet with holes cut in it: a
bonus. And–I come up blank. I don’t know why I have got such a block. I
am supposed to be all imaginative and shit, and here I am thinking um,
witch? A mummy? A mummified witch who has a pumpkin for a friend? I’ll
put on my pants backwards and go as…Girl With Pants on Backwards! I’ll
wear a funny hat and go as Lady With the Hilarious Hat! I’ll put a
mustache on and be Someone who is Mustachioed. I’ll be really
embarrassed because I can’t come up with anything.

Inspire me! Do you love Halloween the way I do? Because I really love
Halloween, despite my retardedness. What are you doing? What are you
going as? What should I go as? Besides Slightly Flummoxed?

17 Replies to “halloween fail”

  1. Rather last minute, it turns out my husband and I are hosting Halloween at our new apartment. I have no idea what he’ll do (he’s a law student and a little busy) but I already own a Gryffindor scarf so I’m throwing together a Harry Potter student type outfit. Not exactly original, but it’ll be cute, comfy, and easy and I can wear most of it again

  2. I’m going to be covered in spiders…which just involves attaching plastic spiders to myself with eyelash glue. This means I get to wear something cute…I’m thinking a black retro dress I have, heels, and a beehive wig, then have spiders creeping out of my hair and down my legs. scary!

  3. My friend loaned me her HP books about a year ago. I suppose I should get around to actually reading them, huh?

    Gotta love finding out you’re a last minute hostess! May you find a place to stash all your unpacked boxes before the guests arrive :)

  4. I am going as Hannah Montana. Mostly to humiliate my children.

    Just to complete the picture… I am 42 years old and weigh at least triple Miley Cyrus’ weight.

    I am so going to rock the Hannah gear.

  5. Go as a penguin. A mustachioed penguin.

    Slick your hair back, make a beak, draw on a mustache…wear a black jacket and baggy-ish white pants and black flats and voila! Penguin! Monsieur Penguin, actually.

  6. I’m dressing as Starbuck from the new Battlestar Galactica. There’s a costume you can uy out there, but it’s the suck. I went to the local big thrift shop and got everything I need to make my own, then got dog tags and a patch from eBay. It’s gonna be cool!

  7. I’m going as a Moulin Rouge girl! I already have the corset, and I’m going to do some… thing… to an satin skirt I used to use for ballroom competitions. I’m not sure what, but it will likely include ruffles and lace. Then I’ll add some gloves, fishnets, a feather… oh, maybe some fake eyelashes…

  8. I’m going to wear a sheet w/a hole cut for my head and white face paint so I look ghostly. Then I’m going to carry around a pad and an oversized pen that lights up (my daughter’s). Can you guess? I’m going as a GhostWriter! hee-hee

    My daughter is making two pizza boxes into a sandwich board and painting them to look like cereal. She’s going to carry a $4 ax from Wal-mart. She’s going as a Cereal Killer!

    Can you tell we like puns in my family?

    I once saw a woman who was a drunk Wonder Woman. She wore a Wonder Woman costume under a nice suit and the suit was in disarray and half falling off her. She pretended to be drunk the first part of the evening (she didn’t have to pretend the second half).


    1. John McCain Mask
    2. Off-the-shelf costume that is a hospital robe with a naked butt sticking out the back

    -wander around like an Alzheimer’s patient looking for your friend Joe the Plumber.

  10. My husband and I are going as Holy Cow and Holy Sh*t LOL!

    I made my own holy cow costume: Bought white hooded sweats from wallmart, a can of spray-black paint from lowe’s, some wire, black, pink and ivory felt, and lots of feathers from a craft’s store. I spent less than $40 bucks and the custome is CUTE!! I just painted big black spots on the sweat suit, attached horns and ears made from the felt, and made a halo with the wire, and wings with cardboard and the feathers. Or you could buy the halo and wings pre-made :)

    My husband is wearing a chocolate brown hoodie and chocolate brown pants, along with a halo and wings.

  11. You think you’ve failed? Well, I’m dressing entirely in black and cutting out a large question mark to tape to my chest so I can go as an Existential Crisis.

    Maybe I’ll paint my face white and my nails black so I look scarier.

    Also, one day, when I have sufficient time and foresight, I will purchase a box of clementines, googly eyes, and glue. I will glue googly eyes onto the clementines and draw fangs with a sharpie and give them away to trick-or-treaters. Or maybe bananas. They tend to be cheaper than clementines this time of year.

    Speaking of googly eyes, you could go as a potato by mugging your UPS man for his brown uniform and gluing googly eyes all over yourself. Googly eyes are hilarious and they’ll look awesome when you dance around. Add plastic fangs, and you can be The Death Spud, the Great Pumpkin’s sibling who came from the wrong side of the veggie patch.

    …Why yes, I am completely insane, thank you very much…

  12. You guys are awesome.

    I think, after a lot of brainstorming and with so very little time left, I am going to, thrift store willing, either be: your grandpa (a 3-piece suit and linty candies in my pocket), a punk rocker (I have got the plaid pants, and just need a ripped up teeshirt and maybe, if I am lucky, an ugly, beat-up leather jacket) or a 70s disco queen (I have got a crazy pink polyester disco dress with an enormous ruffly collar. All I need is the makeup and to curl my hair). I will let you guys know!

  13. I was planning to go as the Other Mother from Neil Gaiman’s Coraline, and was working on putting together a costume. But then the other day I bought a cute black shirt dress with a white collar and cuffs, intending to cut the skirt half off (it’s a bit tight and has small grease stains) and convert it into a shirt. Then when I saw it hanging on the clothesline yesterday, I went, “OMG! Wednesday Addams!” So now I’m torn. I’m leaning toward Wednesday, because nobody at my office will get the Other Mother costume and I’d have to explain myself all day. I hate that.

    If you haven’t totally made up your mind yet, this site has some clever ideas: http://tinyurl.com/5qgmnh . And Flickr’s always a good source of inspiration.

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