My big plan for this Halloween was that I would be an Ewok. And not just any Ewok–I was going to go as Wicket W. Warrick, boyfriend of Princess Neesa who is the daughter of Chief Chirpa his ownself! Why would I go as Wickett instead of Princess Kneessa? Because Wicket is awesome, that’s why. He is my favorite Ewok. I would have been such a good Ewok, and this is because I have things like favorite Ewoks and was also willing to spend the entire night going “Yub nub!” And totally sabotaging Empire soldiers and stuff. Also I have no dignity.
But an Ewok costume takes preparation and time and planning and a trip to the fabric store, and tracking down a big teddy bear, in order to murder it and wear its scalp, and big furry boots, and the headdress (and I had totally forgotten about the slingshot, but of course Wicket requires a slingshot!). I thought I had plenty of time and there were decades left before Halloween rolled around, but as I have noted elsewhere, time is flinging itself off a cliff to its death with wild abandon and Halloween in one week from today.
So I am left kind of scrambling. This weekend is the only time I have
got left, really, to assemble a costume that will just blow everyone’s
mind, except–I have no idea what I want to be. You’d think, after years
of being convinced that not being fat would mean that the world of
costumes would be open to me and additionally my oyster, that I would
be swimming through a sea of riches and had only to reach out my hand
to pluck a ripe and juicy brilliant idea like a plum–but I am stumped.
Stuck. And completely without clue.
No off-the-rack costumes. No sexy costumes. Personal humiliation: a-OK!
Fast and inexpensive, but probably not a sheet with holes cut in it: a
bonus. And–I come up blank. I don’t know why I have got such a block. I
am supposed to be all imaginative and shit, and here I am thinking um,
witch? A mummy? A mummified witch who has a pumpkin for a friend? I’ll
put on my pants backwards and go as…Girl With Pants on Backwards! I’ll
wear a funny hat and go as Lady With the Hilarious Hat! I’ll put a
mustache on and be Someone who is Mustachioed. I’ll be really
embarrassed because I can’t come up with anything.
Inspire me! Do you love Halloween the way I do? Because I really love
Halloween, despite my retardedness. What are you doing? What are you
going as? What should I go as? Besides Slightly Flummoxed?