the butt I want

Photo via Splash

Yesterday, I saw the butt I want. Not the butt I want to tap, in the sexual kind of sense–though she was very beautiful, this lady walking down the street. Late thirties, big full head of glossy black hair, two adorable puppies, and her butt in the teeniest, tiniest pair of electric blue spandex short-shorts I have ever seen in my entire life. It was spectacular. The whole picture, and also her butt. Absolutely round, totally perky and cute and if she hasn’t spent a significant portion of her life in front of a mirror bouncing quarters off that thing, well, she’s been wasting her time.

She had an awesome butt, is what I am saying, and I wanted to run after her and say so. Hi, stranger on the street! I just wanted to tell you that your butt rules, and how on earth did you do it? Squats? Lunges? Weights? Lifts, pulleys, a complicated set of Pilates maneuvers that will make me cry? Is it a rollerblading butt, a yoga butt, a running butt, a gift from a benevolent god? Please tell me! I didn’t, though. Because that would be creepy. You think?

She wandered, tight-buttedly, into the sunset, and I sat there thinking
about how I wanted to have her butt, and plotting to get one. Even if
it isn’t as cute and tiny as hers in the end, a worked-out butt is a
joy and a privilege. And then I realized, oh hey. I am not sitting
here upset because my butt is nowhere near as firm as hers. I am
admiring a well-done ass, and trying to figure out how to get one of my
own. I don’t think it means that I am healed, hallelujah! My body image
issues are cured! But it felt like a nice change, a right step, a tiny
piece of the puzzle slotting into shape. Don’t envy what I don’t
have–do the best for what I’ve got. Hallelujah.

8 Replies to “the butt I want”

  1. one of the best dreams i ever had was some guy telling me i had the best butt ever – in a totally non sexual way. i awoke from that dream feeling like i could take on the world hahaha!!!! yeah im seriously dorky. but i think that might possibly be the best compliment ever…..if only it actually happened.

  2. Try fencing and bellydancing. Your butt will thank your for it… after the initial pain is over with.

  3. You might not want to ask because what if the answer was “Oh, nothing – this is just my God-given butt!” Then you might slap her and wind up in jail eating starchy food, and gain a few pounds. Just something to think about.

  4. Oh yes. Fencing. Fencing, fencing, fencing. And then more fencing. Your waist will shrink and your ass (and quads) will get huge. Your hamstrings get very flexible and strong from all the lunging, and you’ll get ripped calves from the bouncing, especially on your back leg. And you get to stab people, besides.


  5. deadlifts and weighted lunges, walking up hills/stairs, leg press, SQUATS.

    Esp the weighted lunges. I LOVE my butt, it’s prob. my fave part of me.

  6. Honestly, if someone asked me what I did to get the butt I have, I would first kiss them for making me feel awesome, then tell them my whole exercise routine. No creepiness at all, especially if it were from a woman.

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