invent your own exercise

fun_exercise.jpgSeriously, there is a such thing as yoga that hangs you from the ceiling like a sack of meat. Yoga which involves dangling. Yoga in which you climb into slings and try really hard not to fall on your head and die horribly of some kind of snapped spine complication. Anti-gravity yoga! Except that they don’t actually turn off the gravity, and gravity can hurt. It’s really real, anti-gravity yoga! And it is completely awesome.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be the person who named lipstick colors (Hot Flash of Madness; A Suffusion of Peonys). Now that I am a grown up, I want to be the person who comes up with the completely insane exercise class ideas for which people will give good money to attend and which will sweep the nation as the newest, greatest, batshit crazy fitness trend to come down the pike and which is so ridiculously awesome, you don’t ever want to put down the glockenspiel.

Some ideas that Crunch really ought to contact me about:

Slap fighting
Barn raising
Aura flexing
Dog waltzing
Toothless old bear wrestling
Your mom

think we have a whole handful of winners, and my retirement fund, right
here. If Crunch doesn’t want them, let’s start our own damn gym! What
classes are we going to usher our clients into (after we make them sign
a liability form)?

3 Replies to “invent your own exercise”

  1. Oh! Oh! Oh! Have you heard about Shovelglove (see It’s an exercise routine invented by this really sweet programmer geek guy. It involves using a sledgehammer (padded so it won’t scratch your floor) and doing a series of exercises: like pretending you’re churning butter. I haven’t tried it but I like the kooky DIY attitude. He has a lot of ideas (some are great, some are wacky!) about making exercise really accessible and doable. One of his ideas is to shoot for the plateau, some level of activity you can maintain indefinitely.

    Also — I would totally sign up for slap fighting, it’s much more me than kick boxing. But let’s leave the old bears in peace, please.

  2. I am actually going to a Bikram Yoga class tomorrow and I feel like it should be put on this list. I mean seriously, I am about to pay $50 to stretch myself in a rediculous fashion for an hour and a half in a 100 degree room. It may be healthy and really, really cleansing (hence the 2 full pints of sweat I am told I will exude) but, it is also insane, no?

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