change is coming in on the noon train

Here it is again, that little jump in my knee that gets it pistoning up
and down again, that feeling of urgency and need, that sense that I
have to be somewhere special, doing something important, accomplishing
something vital but that it is all starting without me, that no one
could wait for me and they had to just go ahead and I could catch up,
if I could, but how can I ever catch up? Everyone is so far ahead, and
I don’t even know where I’m supposed to be, or how to get there, or

It happens sometimes, this restlessness, and I can never pinpoint where
it is coming from. Sometimes it’s things clanging around in my head,
going ping! as things in my head do, sometimes, in the way of serotonin
imbalances and issues with my nerve receptor…thingies. That’s
science. Sometimes it’s the changing season–the weather shifting, the
months flipping by, the earth spinning its way past the sun. Sometimes
I can feel that, or I imagine I feel it, and I imagine that something
needs to be done in response. I imagine that I need to be on the move,
as well, racing forward towards something new. Sometimes it’s just
because I am crazy and have psychological issues. Sometimes, it’s just

This time, I think it’s because people I love are hurting, my income,
solid enough to finance a car a few weeks ago is suddenly ragged and
flapping in the icy cold wind of impending budgetary crisis, and as
part of that, my entire lifestyle is going to have to change wildly and
dramatically and not for the better. Plus I have so many holiday cards
to write and now I can’t find them and my tree isn’t up yet and my
belly isn’t feeling the greatest and my bangs are in my face. I hate when my bangs are in my face.

I can do something about that last one–I have been trying to grow out
my hair since the summer. I say trying even though you’d think there’s
not much to do, vis a vis the growing out of your hair, besides, just
sort of not cutting it, right? But not cutting it has been among the
greatest of challenges the world has seen since tiny David squinted up
at enormous Goliath and peed his loincloth. It has gone through
Stages–the stages of giving me grief, in fact. For six months I’ve
had, generally speaking, bad hair. There have been brief, 48-hour
periods where it looked adorable and I was so cute and wasn’t it going
to be awesome when it was long and I could do things like ponytails and
pigtails and–whatever else it is you’re supposed to do with long hair?
It was going to rule!

It hasn’t started to rule, yet, and in this state of mind, I don’t
think I can wait, any longer, for the ruling to begin. I am ready to
move on! Onward, and upward goes the ends of my hair! Pixie cut ahoy! I
think it’ll solve all my problems, don’t you?


3 Replies to “change is coming in on the noon train”

  1. You must have taken this post right out of my head! The first 3 paragraphs are the best description of what my mind does, too – I always feel like everything is spinning around me and if I could just get it to slow down so I could grab onto something…but of course it never does.
    And the bangs in your face? Yeah, I had that too, due to the growing out of the ‘do. My solution: I just trimmed my bangs. Voila! Problem solved :)

  2. Y’know, sometimes it’s downright creepy how much you sound like me. I could have written this post, right down to the part about the annoying bad bangs (I gave up on growing mine out and lopped ’em short last weekend, but they’re still in my face and making me want to rip them out completely. Or, y’know, find a hair clip. Whichever). Please get out of my brain.

  3. Headbands are your best friend when you’re growing your hair out. If the old standby – that is, Target – doesn’t have any cute ones, cute ones can generally be found at places like Claire’s (I KNOW, it’s so 1980s teenager, but I swear they have stuff that’s semi-normal if you can squint around the purple glitter) or Ulta or even sometmes places like Ross and Marshall’s. Also, if your head is not freakishly shaped like mine is and scarves will stay – long scarves are a fun choice.
    And as to the random feelings – I feel you. But know that by virtue of the fact that you make a living doing something you basically love – that is, writing – you’re ahead of more people than you know. Including me.

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