i firmly resolve that 2009 will not explode

Every year I make resolutions, because I like the idea of a fresh start, a
definitive place to start, a moment you can point to and say yes, there. That
is the starting line, and here is where we’ll begin. Every year about this
time, I look back at the resolutions I had made (because I have a memory like a
drunken sieve) and I think oh, those were good ideas! Too bad I didn’t
actually, you know, work on any of that stuff. Too bad this year was exactly
like last year which was exactly like the year before, in terms of

In terms of everything else, this year, and last year, and the year before have
been amazing rollery coaster kinds of adventures, during which, if we have to
be honest and fair, I haven’t had much time to think about esoteric improvement
schemes. Mostly I’ve been trying to catch my breath and stay more or less
upright and moving forward, wide-eyed, wide-awake, hoping not to fail. I keep
saying that I think things were going really well for me until everything went
to hell, and it kind of feels that way. The first ten months were nothing short
of–well, really hard, for awhile there. Adjustments after my move, adjustments
in my relationship, feeling isolated, worrying that I had made the wrong
decision, that I wasn’t cut out for any of this, or maybe anything at all.

But I adjusted–fell in love with my boyfriend hard and in a forever kind of
way, I think. Fell in love with Utah–less forever, but pretty solidly. Met
friends, influenced people, started to get into comfortable routines, found a spectacular apartment that I’m slowly getting into shape and don’t ever ever want to leave.
Got adopted by a dog, put lots of furniture together by myself, finished up a
memoir proposal and sample pages, got a contract job, felt good. Cruising along
happily and everything is good and great until about November, when suddenly
there is that skidding record sound, and everything collapses. People I love
have cancer and can’t afford their medications. I end up in the emergency room
and clear out my savings to pay for it. I lose my main source of income right
as I take on a car payment, turn down a full-time position, and my contract
position halves my hours, leaving me wondering how I am going to pay rent on my
wonderful apartment and also those stupid car payments. Things have felt, these
last two months of the year, spectacularly terrifying and incredibly, horribly

For awhile, I’ve been checking out, just giving up on the idea of worrying
about anything–money, health, my career, the rainforests. I’ve been letting
the idea that everything is ruined overshadow, well, everything. I’ve forgotten
that there was anything good at all, this year, and have only focused on the
hard, the unpleasant, the unhappy, the frightening and the worrisome. It’s an
easy thing to do.

I’m not going to make resolutions this year. I’m not going to worry about
improving my mind or cardiovascularizing my heart or saving the world–they’re
important things, and I’ll get to them eventually. Right now, though, I need to
focus on getting things back together, straightening up the detritus, looking
around and figuring out what my next steps are–how to pay the bills, rebuild
my finances, take care of the people who need me. Steer into the skid and get
the car back on the road, moving steadily ahead, before I start trying any
fancy stunt driving. I won’t make any resolutions, but I have found that once
the dust clears, I’ve got plenty of resolve.

2 Replies to “i firmly resolve that 2009 will not explode”

  1. I needed a post like this one. My problems are much less dramatic, but you made me feel a lot more hopeful for this year.
    I wish you good luck and strength

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