It’s like a hilarious joke, or something. One of the things that used to make me angry when I was fat was that my body was considered public property. That I had a very visible and distinct physical characteristic which people felt the need to comment on. As if the fact of my fat and my size needed to be acknowledged, strangers felt it was important to demonstrate their powers of observation, helpful assholes felt it necessary to remind me of my great and space-hogging size and how offensive it was to right-thinking people. That when someone would look at me, you could almost hear them measuring out my width in inches, comparing it to their own width, breathing a sigh of relief when they assured themselves that they may have Figure Flaws, but at least their figured wasn’t that flawed!
I felt as if I could be seen from space, sometimes, and everyone in it, and that they had all commented at one time or another. That it was a fact which followed my form, that I would excite commentary wherever I went all across the world because my body was out of the ordinary. Extraordinary, extraordinarily interesting, something that no one could keep from noticing, even if they politely refrained from commenting which sometimes seemed to have been a herculean task, and I got sick of it. I got sick of sticking out in a crowd in all directions. I got sick of having a very specific physical characteristic. I got sick of being looked at. It was my dream and my hope and my wish to lose one million pounds and sink back into the crowd. To look normal, for a given value of normal. To be so ordinary-sized that no one would ever find it necessary to compose a remark which pointed out my characteristics of ordinariness. Water is wet, the sky is up, you are regular-sized.
No one talks about normal-sized bodies, am I right? I’m not right. Everyone talks about bodies, everywhere. Everyone’s body, it turns out, is ripe for discussion. But if you’re not fat, the social barrier of politeness that keeps some people from commentingÂ (because it is rude to note that someone is fat), is suddenly gone, and they can talk freely and openly about the size of your arms and the width of your hips and the shape of your thighs. They can tell you, “My, you’re getting so skinny! You’re getting too skinny! You’re SO SKINNY!” in that mock-horrified kind of way that is supposed to indicate concern and admiration and jealousy all at once, and you are meant to be flattered. It is so great that you’re skinny! You want to hear more about how skinny you are! I will tell you all about how skinny you are!
It’s like a hilarious joke, because I wanted so badly to be skinny, without thinking what that meant, and now I’m too skinny and trying to gain some weight back, and I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to act like it is The Greatest Thing on Earth that I am small. I don’t want to talk about my body, I don’t want you to comment on my body, I don’t want to be looked at and judged and measured inanyone’s head. I don’t want someone to say “You’re SO SKINNY!” and then see them do the calculations in their head, trying to decide if I am as skinny or skinnier than they are.
Also hilarious, possibly ironic, definitely hypocritical: I do it myself. I do it constantly. I spend so much time looking at other people’s bodies and trying to superimpose myself over them, to see if my outline matches theirs and I can finally see how I might fit into the world, when I look at them. That is how much space I take up? Okay. But the difference, I guess, is that I would not go up to that woman and say YOU ARE SO SKINNY. Maybe she’d take it as a compliment. Maybe it’s not wrong to take it as a compliment, when someone feels compelled to remark on your body, and maybe I am being too sensitive, too easily offended, too annoyed about the implied message, that it is so great to be thin to the point where your bones are visible, that scrawniness should be admired, and that my body is absolutely yours for the remarking upon. The next time someone says YOU ARE SO SKINNY, I will say “Oh my god, I know! It is SO GREAT! Doesn’t EVERYONE wish they were AS SKINNY AS ME?” And with my luck, they will reply, “Yes.”
photo by tombothetominato