Archive for February, 2009

One of my cherished notions about myself is that no one knows the extent to which I am a nerd. Oh, I have plenty of geek cred, just enough to make you think that I am so smart and interesting and alternative. You know, totally hipster. I love Doctor Who and I grew up watching Star Treks and will follow Joss Whedon around with love in my eyes if only he’d lift the restraining order, but that’s all okay, right, because it makes me cool yeah?

That level of nerdery is okay, even totally awesome; when I start going deeper into nerdtown, I start to get embarrassed. I start to feel uncomfortable about the fact that I like computer games, that I have nostalgic thoughts about the Dragonlance series, that I accept invitations to go play D&D on a Saturday night.

It is Friday! Seriously, it is. You can check. It is Friday, for reals, and if I am very careful, play my cards right, use my time well and am dedicated and industrious, I will only spend most of the weekend working instead of all of the weekend. This is a goal that I am shooting for. This is a goal that is going to find me up at three a.m. on Sunday, blood shooting out of my tear ducts and foam drying on my chin and down the front of the t-shirt I haven’t changed in four, five days.

What I want to do this weekend: well, it boils down to not work. But writ smaller and in list form, it goes something like sleep in, not-sleep in, waffles, nap, not-nap, load the dogs in the car and go hike up a mountain to the waterfall and go “ooooooo,” lattes and pie, nap on the couch with the TV on and the comforter tucked under our feets, fighting over the Wii controller, mac and cheese for dinner, nerdy nerd time with nerdiness in on EverQuest, retiring to not-sleep, then sleeping covered in dogs who steal the blankets and fart on your pillow.

If I am not very careful and do not watch my back, I am going to be packing healthy oat-nut granola bars into a fanny pack that I strap onto the waist of my high-tech snow pants, which I have tucked into my space-aged padded socks that peek out of the tops of my light-weight, nubby-soled, extra-tractiony shboots (which I double-knot for safety), snapping the chin strap of my floppy sun-protecting hat briskly, hauling on my survival backpack and snatching up my sturdy, polished-to-a-gloss walking stick as I stride out the door, the dogs at my heels.

“Come!” I will cry out to my faithful companions. “We have mountains to conquer! Valleys to probe! Rocks to scale and small, tree-lined paths coated in sucking mud to wander down confusedly because we’re not sure exactly where we’re going! It is adventure we seek, for hikers we are! And we hike! Away!” The dogs will be wearing hats, too.

I like my life. I like my boyfriend, my cat, having a crazy dog who loves me, writing every day, talking about writing every day, working from home, the people in my family of in-laws who treat me like family, the people in my family who love me very much. My talented friends, my excellent apartment, thrift stores just blocks from me, a coffee shop downstairs. To-do lists that get done. Despite my general fear that I am going to end up homeless or hospitalized and then thrown in debtor’s prison, errands are being run and life is being taken care of, running more or less smoothly and generally on course, pleasantly and in a fine, upstanding way. And yet lately, I still want to sell everything and go live in a van in Mexico.

In Mexico, there is no snow.

I have discovered the most amazing thing of all about living in the future, and it is that you can call up the nostalgic, rosy past whenever you like, with a click of your fingers and a credit card number. Did you know that onto the Nintendo Wii you can download the classics of your gaming childhood? Did you know that if you had a Wii , and a wireless connection and six bucks, you could be playing the original Legend of Zelda? This is among the most beautiful things that I can think of, and it makes me happier than happy. It makes me the happiest, in fact.

My baby brother and I spent a ridiculous number of hours in the basement with our Nintendo and our enormous collection of games, flailing our arms and yelling at the screen and mashing buttons and throwing our controllers and stomping around and hunching forward filled with grim determination and saying things like YOU CAN DO IT GO GO GO GO YAY YOU WIN YOU ARE SO GREAT!

On Saturday there was a Chinese new year party at a friend’s parent’s house, and it was delightful, as their parties always are, and filled with excellent people who I want to talk to and good food and a lot of booze and I was very excited to go, because people! Conversation! Dressing up and wearing lipstick and socializing! It was all so exciting. I was careful all day, with my eating, because I did not want to embarrass myself with socially embarrassing gas or by getting sick. I wore red for luck, mascara and lipstick and it was all very exciting. E drove so that I could have a couple of glasses of wine.

The house was packed full of people, mostly around the food. I poured myself a glass of white wine, and hugged people and laughed and kissed and fed cheese to the pug and exclaimed and laughed and then had to excuse myself because I had started to feel hot, jangly-headed, flushed and nauseous.