spring cleaning

One of my cherished notions about myself is that no one knows the extent to which I am a nerd. Oh, I have plenty of geek cred, just enough to make you think that I am so smart and interesting and alternative. You know, totally hipster. I love Doctor Who and I grew up watching Star Treks and will follow Joss Whedon around with love in my eyes if only he’d lift the restraining order, but that’s all okay, right, because it makes me cool yeah?

That level of nerdery is okay, even totally awesome; when I start going deeper into nerdtown, I start to get embarrassed. I start to feel uncomfortable about the fact that I like computer games, that I have nostalgic thoughts about the Dragonlance series, that I accept invitations to go play D&D on a Saturday night.

And I know that I have bought into the loser-geek stereotype as much as anyone; that someone who enjoys things like role playing games with no irony whatsover is sad, a social outcast, someone who cannot relate to the real world and has no sense of self-preservation or self-awareness.

It’s a small corner of a larger problem: it makes me realize that hey, you know, I could do with a little less sense of self-awareness. I could do with a shovel and a few decades clearing out the pit of irony that has filled up to overflowing and become a mountain. I could do without worrying about preserving my dignity, the facade that I am sure that no one can see through except is totally transparent and why do I waste so much energy on it when it is not fooling anyone, again?

I am tired of being so aware of myself all the time, these layers upon layers, always watching myself, evaluating my actions and considering how I look to other people, what they might think of what I’m doing, saying, how I’m acting and what my motives are versus what people might think my motives are, ah ha, we have caught you!

You know what? It is fucking exhausting, people. I’m done.

I could use a spring cleaning. The feeling of throwing open all my windows and letting everything blow all to hell, letting the wind scouring the air clean. Work on saying, for example, I went to D&D on Saturday, you guys! I met a whole room full of people I like very much. They are smart and funny. They love playing D&D and it was fun. They want me to come back, and I said okay! I like you guys! And they said We like you too! And it was good and I was happy and I did not worry about my dignity or my coolness or hipness, and it was swell. And I feel swell.

photo by Tambako the Jaguar

7 Replies to “spring cleaning”

  1. I used to date the dungeon master. And I briefly dated someone else who made up his own RPGs with his dad. I go to Sea Chanty Night. Yet I still make fun of it. Why? Dunno. But it definitely is ridiculously exhausting to take any of it seriously… :)

  2. I have become totally obsessed lately with World of Warcraft. And I am actually occasionally asked to write articles about what is cool (and not in the world of computers, I might add). Yikes. What if someone finds out?!

  3. M: I was friends with a guy in college who had a crush on me, and DMd. And boy, did I weirdly stumble across a whole lot of plus-five items.

    Beth: I am so curious about WoW, but my guy is hardcore EQ and has threatened to disown me. I had no idea there was so much rivalry! Kind of makes me want to play more. Also, write articles about cool computer things.

  4. I agree… even though running & raid leading a high end raiding guild in EQ is probably the most interesting thing I’ve ever done, I don’t even tell people I play EQ. Especially not at work. I look normal, I act normal, I don’t want to be stereo-typed. I listen to pop music and watch celebrities on TV so I’ll have something to talk about with other people!

  5. Wow, I haven’t heard anyone talk about Dragonlance in a long time. But dude, it IS the cat’s pajamas. Raistlin melts my butter :)

    Anyone who tells you otherwise deserves to be shunned.

  6. I’m with Perrys on this one…fuck ’em!

    I’ve left/returned to EQ more times than I can possibly count. Every single time I go back, I meet the most amazing people and have the best time…even if I’m playing ~5 hours a night 6 nights a week. Of course it helps that my husband and I kick some ass, in the game….but that geek side of me? I tend to like it way more and feel at ease when I’m just me.

    I have a lot of fun embracing the geekness in EQ and around other EQ people. Everyone else doesn’t get me, anyway. ;)

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