makes you stronger

Min is not actually my dog. No matter how much I loved her the very most more than anything, and no matter how much she loved me greater than pies and ham, she does not actually belong to me, and I do not actually belong to her, except in our hearts. She belongs to E’s brother and now that A has moved to SLC where his job, his school and his fiancee all are, he has taken his dog with him–which means my stewardship is over.

A came and got her Friday night, while I was out. I stumbled home kind of tipsy, was confused when no dog came exploding with joy to see me, limbs akimbo, tongue lolling, stub of a tail beating back and forth in a wild blur. She is supposed to circle around and around me and through my legs and push her face into my knees and cover me with love when I sit down to scratch her butt and then climb on my lap and sigh and put her head down like everything is finally right with the world and she couldn’t imagine anything being any better than it was right there and then, forever.

But the house was quiet, and she was gone and E said, reasonably, You knew he was taking her soon, and I did but I still found myself sitting down right on the floor and bursting into tears, because she is gone, and she wasn’t ever my dog, anyway, and how can anyone possibly take care of her as well as I did and how can anyone possibly make her as happy as I did and how can I ever possibly be as happy with another dog when I had the best dog ever in the history of them?

She wasn’t the best dog. She’s a crazy dog, with a lot of crazy dog problems, neurotic, jealous, possessive, anxious, destructive, aggressive. Crazy. It’s better for her to be an only dog; it’s better for E’s dog and his roommate’s dog to not have a crazy, neurotic, aggressive roommate of their own. It’s good for her owner to take responsibility for her, to be grown-up and adult and meet his obligations to the animal who belongs to him. It’s good for everyone! It doesn’t feel so good.

She is still the best dog. I kept it together for awhile, for a whole day and a half. And then when we visited friends, they said “Boy, I bet everyone’s glad Min is gone,” (because her Crazy is widely known) I almost started crying there and I have been crying on and off ever since. I miss my dog. She’s doing very well–A spends a lot of time with her, he walks her twice a day now, she had a wonderful time at the dog park and made best friends with a poodle, she is learning to deal with her crate and not be on furniture and so happy to have A back and to be loved the most and not have other dogs trying to butt in on her love. But I am feeling very sad, and very sorry for myself, and I miss my dog.

  11 comments for “makes you stronger

  1. Kim
    April 27, 2009 at 8:56 am

    My dog is my best friend and I prefer his company to most humans’ so I get it. And I’m sorry.

  2. April 27, 2009 at 9:10 am

    Aw, sweetie. My dog died almost a year ago and thinking or talking about him still turns me into a weepy mess. Which is to say that I understand, and I’m so very, very sorry. She might not be your dog, but it sounds like you’re her human, a fact which she’ll probably remind you if/ when you get to visit her.

  3. Sal
    April 27, 2009 at 9:20 am

    Oh, my heart ACHES for you. To know she’s out and about but not with you has got to burn and tear. So sorry, Jen.

  4. jane
    April 27, 2009 at 9:36 am

    So sad. My dog died about 1.5 years ago and it leaves a hole. No question. Believe it or not, it does get easier, not that that helps now.

  5. April 27, 2009 at 1:18 pm

    Pets are awesome. Although I have a cat, since dogs aren’t allowed in my building. I miss my old cat, she was so wonderful. The new cat is fabulous in her own way, but it’s just not the same. I love them both, but each for their own specialness.

  6. April 27, 2009 at 8:21 pm

    Thanks, you guys. And I’m so sorry, Jean and Jane and Pattie, that you have lost your pets.

    I really am just feeling sorry for myself–she’s still out there, and she’s happy. I’m just being selfishly unhappy without her.

  7. April 28, 2009 at 2:03 pm

    Dogs that are your dogs only aren’t your dogs anymore are so hard to miss. It’s as if you’re not allowed to grieve in the same way, for some reason.

    I still miss that Doberman I gave up (had to give up) when I broke with an ex several years ago. I know he’s a great dog now, and he has a whole family that’s his, but I still wonder if maybe he could have been happier with me?

  8. Melissa
    April 30, 2009 at 7:44 am

    You seriously need a puppy. For realsies.

  9. MR
    May 19, 2009 at 5:36 am

    Come back! We miss you!

    (I know you’ve got heavy stuff going on, but I really do miss your writing, and I’m sure I’m not the only one.)

    :)

  10. July 7, 2009 at 4:25 pm

    you have such a wonderful heart!

    i left you the Longest Comment Ever on another post of yours, but i’m not sure it posted…

    i linked to you on the blogroll i’m (FINALLY!) starting. i can’t believe i haven’t stumbled across your blog sooner. the way you use words is stunning.

    i’m so glad we’re friends now :)

  11. January 17, 2010 at 3:27 pm

    your story is a familiar one… sorry for your loss please consider posting your story here…
    Hello,

    Please take a moment to check out our new free site for posting lost and found dogs by state. We also have a “Why I Miss My Dog” story section, Dogs in the News, Shelters, and links. Please consider posting a link to us and sending us one you would like to use for you.

    Your story is very moving.

    http://www.missmydog.com

    we can make a difference

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