celebrate tattoo season!

tattooWelcome to tattoo season! It’s that time of year when temperatures go up, and clothes come off. And with that lack of clothes comes delicious spans of naked flesh, wherever you go! They’re everywhere, those luscious stretches of skin, tormenting you with their nom nom nomminess–and if they’re just there in your face, why shouldn’t you reach out and grab yourself a handful? Why CAN’T you just take a big juicy bite?

You can, my friend. Naked flesh is yours for the having, but only if you read the signs. They’re like hobo signals on mail posts, only for the modern-day skinthusiast who wants to slide their hands all over the body of a not-yet-friend but not be arrested for it. How can you tell who wants your fingers dancing a sexy stranger finger-tango all over their silky expanses? The tattoos, my friend. The tattoos. They signal a wanting. A needing. A have-got-to-have it-by-which-I mean-you.

Why else would a woman get a tattoo? It’s to make you look at her. It’s to make you come closer. It’s to make you reach out and take what she’s so eagerly, quiveringly waiting for, if you only you understood the sign. If only you could read her signal, right there in glorious technicolor, in sexytimes moody black-and-gray.

Don’t be shy, my friend. Are you on the street? Are you at a party? Are you on the train? Go up to her. Preliminaries are sometimes polite–you can note, for instance, that she has a tattoo. Something like, “Hey! Look at you, with that tattoo!” If she does not respond favorably, or even rudely responds in a hostile manner, you are well within your purview to call her a stupid stuck-up bitch. She’s the one going around with her tattoos all visible.

It’s possible, though, that she could be shy! Or playing hard to get. Chicks do that. So your next step? You reach out and you grab that tattoo. You take her by the wrist and you get all up in that tattoo. You run your fingers all over that skin emblazoned brazenly with invitation and longing. You find out if tattooed skin feels differently than regular skin (I won’t spoil it for you!). And you make sure you ask relevant, probing questions. Like, “Did it hurt!” and, “How many do you have!” and “Do you know how sexy and brave you are?” That makes them FEEL sexy. That makes you sound sensitive!

If she struggles–if she pulls away, if she says “Hey, don’t,” and even apologizes (though you can tell by her eyes that she’s ASHAMED of being polite to you because she’s such a stupid bitch) and asks you to please knock it off, she wants you to step closer. She wants your skin on hers. She wants you to try harder.

Try harder. Step closer. Step to the side when she tries to go around you. And when she turns and walks the other way, fall into step with her. Tell her you’ll see her again. Watch her go hide in your mutual friend’s bathroom, or duck into a store, or make a quick turn down a side street. She’s not afraid–tattooed people aren’t afraid of needles, why would they be afraid of anything? She’d go home and cover those things up if she doesn’t want people trying to touch them. You know how they are.

  4 comments for “celebrate tattoo season!

  1. May 9, 2013 at 3:25 pm

    Ha, ha. I enjoyed this. I really don’t like talking about my tattoos. I get that people assume, “Well, I can see them, they must be a conversation piece,” but…Nope. It’s just my skin and I really don’t want to talk about what it is, why I got it, yadda, yadda, yadda.

  2. May 9, 2013 at 8:18 pm

    That’s because tattoos are either something you get to get attention, or something you get because they’re SUPER MEANINGFUL AND YOU LIKE TO TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS. Either way, people have license to touch/talk about your body and that’s exactly what you asked for!

    Usually I don’t care, but right at the beginning of the spring/summer when it starts again it just drives me batshit.

  3. May 13, 2013 at 10:52 am

    Yeah, I actually read some ridiculous bunch of comments on some article somewhere that were of the “only for attention” ilk. I had gotten used to the “trying to be different but omg everyone has tattoos you’re not different you’re just sheep” crap, but this was a new one.

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