inventions

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1. A bread squeezer. It squeezes bread for you, into satisfying balls that are excitingly spongy-yet-dense in texture and are a joy to eat. It has many off-label uses, none of which this manufacturer wants to hear about.

2. A hobby horse. It’s a horse that does hobbies for you. Because it’s important to have hobbies, but who has time for them? Your hobby horse does!

3. nü shüs. They are the mighty morphin’ power ranger of shoes, transforming from ordinary–to extraordinary! Your nü shüs are the best shoes in the world. But then you get bored and they are not any longer the best shoes in the world. So a thing happens that you do (patent pending) and suddenly you have shiny NÜ (NEW) shoes on your pretty, pretty feet. It’s a 3-D printing thing, you wouldn’t understand because science.

4. Portable comedy. Are you feeling sad? Of course you are, it is the human condition in these, the modern dark ages. But what’s this? There’s comedy in your pants! And not the kind your ex-girlfriend accused you of having that one time in public. Pull out your Portable Comedy Kit and you are guaranteed laughs for miles, and miles for laughs. Wherever you go, and whatever you do: it’s comedy that’s always there for you! Probably there will be a monkey in it, and maybe some fart noises and a butt.

5. Kittenponyotterbunny. Welcome to the glorious future of bioengineering, where all the cutest animals have their cutenesses extracted and then poured into a new, stronger better faster vessel of heart-crushingly squishy happiness. The kittenponyotterbunny is guaranteed to make you stop screaming after you witness the manufacturing process because that level of cute will just BLOW YOUR MIND.

6. Y-ray vision. It’s like X-ray, only BETTER. Why just see through one thing when you can see through ALL the things? Once you try it, you’ll go from saying “why ray?” to “hoo-ray!” if your mind withstands the crashingly soul-crushing vision of infinity.

7. An ostrich hat. Don’t put your head in the sand literally, because that will just muss your hair. Don the microfiber ostrich hat and blissful oblivion of your surroundings is yours.

8. 3D printing. You print things IN THREE DIMENSIONS. Note to self: explore extraordinary medical uses that can transform healthcare forever.

9. Life-size caterpillars. Not their life-size–yours! Play Kwisatz Haderach in your own backyard with your giant fuzzy friend. Charge neighbors for tree services. And when your big buddy becomes a beautiful butterfly, you’ll never pay to check your luggage ever again.

10. Spare hearts. Things happen to hearts. They break, or break down. They fall, they flip, they beat double time. They get worn out! Muscle fatigue is real, you guys. So a spare heart isn’t just a luxury–it’s necessity.

Note to investors: Call me!

  1 comment for “inventions

  1. brian
    May 2, 2013 at 5:23 pm

    All The Awards. Hilarious.

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