No genre is safe from me! Here are beautiful poems I wrote from my heart because sometimes it is good to stretch your boundaries and exercise your creative muscles (brain kegel!) and produce beautiful art that will live on through eternity! And also I got stuck while writing my new book. I hope these poems what are filled with poetry touch your heart and other places too but very respectfully.
The Greatest Limerick Ever
There once was a fellow named Tommy
Who bought a stick of salami
He took it and hid, who knows what he did
But I’m pretty sure you can guess and the first two don’t count.
Where Have All the Bananas Gone
I was hungry for a banana.
I had a really good planna.
I’d go to the kitchen
And it would be bitchin’
Because yes, we had some bananas.
An unexpected but inevitable betrayal
The bananas were only a day old.
But they were not there
Gone into thin air
Because my roommate steals all my bananas.
Fang, You Are Fat
Fang, you are fat.
Do you remember how, once,
the sink backed up
And the landlord came over?
He brought lots of towels. He fixed the sink.
And I was so glad, because really,
what good is a bathroom without a sink?
You don’t have to answer that.
Anyway, he fixed it. The sink.
And gathered up all his wet towels
and was leaving to go do landlord things
as landlords do.
You came to investigate. You looked
at him and he looked at you. He said,
“Wow. That is a very fat cat.”
He shook his head. He looked at me
like it was my fault.
Fang, I was so indignant on your behalf
I didn’t want to pay rent anymore.
That’s how indignant I was.
But probably also broke. That happens
sometimes. But I will always
buy you kibble. No matter how broke
I happen to be. Because Fang,
you are fat. And that is okay. That is
more than okay. That is who you are.
This is the beautiful lesson I have learned about things
As I have gotten older (which is okay)
and dumber (which is okay) and more awkward
(slightly less okay but really, what can you do?).
You Have to Be Yourself. That is a brilliant
Idea that no one has ever had. I will
embroider it on a pillow
and then patent it
and sell it on etsy.
Fang, you are fat, and that is okay.
But you’re also an asshole and dude that is so not okay.
Get your goddamn paw out of my goddamn face
and let me go the fuck back to sleep, asshole.
Cookies: A Love Song
Cookies, cookies, cookies
Cookies! Cookies (cookies) cookies
Cookies cookies. Cookies—cookies!
In my face.
Here Is a Poem I Wrote You
The first line talks about how I wrote you a poem
The second line explains that it’s because you inspired me
The third line talks more about that inspiration
And also the fourth, because seriously you are so hot.
Here’s a new stanza. It starts with a sexual innuendo
That is also somehow sincere. I don’t know
how I’m going to pull that off but
I’ll try and hopefully by this point
you won’t even notice that it’s not a very good poem
I mean, it doesn’t even rhyme. But
it’s totally sincere and it does that thing, the thing
where sentences are split across lines all
dramatic-like. Because that is a thing that is in poetry.
I’ve seen it.
I hope you think it’s sexy.
Because I am doing it (and here is where
another innuendo goes because
I just can’t help myself. My bad habit is comedy
and also seriously, you are so hot) that means
this is the greatest poem of all time anyway.
And probably I’m totally going to get laid.
Because you really do totally think it’s sexy.
This is the last stanza. It gracefully
sums up all the sentiment of the last four stanzas
by subtly echoing the imagery
that has come before—only somehow,
it has grown into something larger
and more beautiful, like your face or similar.
That was not a fat joke.
Let’s make out.
An Incomplete and Unannotated List of Things I Like
2. The scratchy sound of a match when you make fire
6. Cats who are not very good at purring
7. Dogs who snore
10. Getting sleep
11. Sleeping for days
12. Never waking up until you’ve slept enough
15. Snuggle naps
16. Nap snuggles
19. Diet Pepsi
20. When my boss asks if he should stock the office fridge with more “DP” and then doesn’t understand why I’m snickering
21. Lists with ponies in them.
22. Uneven numbers. Shit.
Someday I Am Going to Be Rich and When I Am I Am Going to Buy an Island and Fly Everyone I Love to that Island (and Install Some Kind of Science Barrier that Keeps Hurricanes and Tidal Waves Out but Keeps Science In, Because Science, Bitches), and When I Send Out the Invitations I Will Be Sure to Not Only Include You but Also the Boy You Like Even though I Find Him Kind of Irritating because Love Island Is a Place for Love and Loving but Only Out of Earshot Please.
Let’s go bikini shopping.