Right now, I’m broke. Brokety-broke. Broke-diggity. I mean like, dust in my bank account, holy shit how am I going to pay my half of the mortgage kind of broke.
It’s my own fault—obviously the money fairies didn’t come nibble away at the pile of coins that used to glimmer so charmingly [...]
My very first tattoo was a lie.
When you lie, you are reshaping the world in the image that burns bright in your head. And the version of yourself that you present is so much better than the Universe’s version. In the Universe’s version, you are not nearly as interesting as you [...]
It was the Valentine’s Day directly after I broke up with my long-term boyfriend, just two months after we had ended it. Actually, he broke up with me. At Christmas. But that summer I had moved all the way to San Francisco to get away from him, so I suppose it was [...]
So Stephenie Meyer, she had a dream about a sparkly vampire lying in a field with her, and there was some love and shit, and she wrote it all down. Then, something about her vision, her deeply troubling psychological issues that she left heaving and bloody all over the page, it struck people with [...]
Every day I look at the class schedule at my gym—my gym, I say, as if I have some kind of claim on it, having been there so often and really marking it with my sweat glands—and I fantasize about what it would be like to go to a class. A class! Me in [...]
Okay. So first, you taper the dose of Effexor you’re taking. You do this slowly, because there are physical side effects that occur, among them the “brain zap,” as it’s called. Jennette has a very good explanation of why that is here.
You begin to experience the withdrawal effects, but you’re also [...]
It was when I was thrift store shopping that I remembered that one of the things I want to do when I get a wheelbarrow full of money, besides purchase a nuclear-powered stove and get my name etched on the surface of the moon, was get a tummy tuck. Flat-out, straight-up plastic surgery.
I [...]
Sometimes I feel like despite of All The Adversity, I still manage to comport myself as a fairly adult member of society. I’m generally responsible and reasonably with-it. I pay my bills, I floss, I change the sheets weekly, I keep up with the laundry and the dishes. My deadlines are all met [...]
A friend texted, “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what that’s like, but I’m sorry,” and it took me a minute to figure out a way to explain it. I finally texted back, “It’s like you’re going crazy, and you can’t do anything about it.” And that is the best way I have [...]
We talk a lot about how much we hate our stove. “I hate this stove,” I say. “This stove is awful,” E says. This stove is a relic, this stove is a piece of crap, this stove is one thousand years old and why, god, why have you cursed us with a stove [...]
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